Well, I'm not in school where I'm supposed to be and I feel pretty bad about that. But it's Peter's 7th birthday and I just can't hold it together well enough to be there. So I'm home, looking through pictures and I found these two that were taken when Peter was 2 years old.
Happy birthday to my baby boy (even though I'm sure you're not a baby anymore)! I love you, Peter.
In June of 2007, Steve and I took Kate and Peter to Disney World as a surprise for Kate's 5th birthday. When we got to the gate in Pittsburgh there was a box showing the acceptable size of a carry on item. In true kid fashion, Kate and Peter both climbed inside.
Peter was eating a bagel with cream cheese (no surprise there) and had cream cheese all over his face:
Kate was just happy:
Here they are, complete with mouse ears and one of Peter's many silly faces:
Scooge (also Scoogie or Scoogie-man) was one of Peter's nicknames. I think I mentioned it before, but in case you haven't read that far back, there it is. I started calling him ScoogieWoogie the day after he was born (because I'm weird like that) and, for some reason, the Scoogie part stuck.
Anyway, this picture was taken when he was about 8 months old. Peter loved taking a bath. This child would have spent hours in the tub if I would have let him. He would just hang out in the water, playing with his toys and, as he got older, swimming in the tub. I so wish I could just pick up his chubby little baby self, wrap him in a towel and snuggle with him. At least I have the memories. And the pictures. They're far better than never having known him at all.
...but I'm not. This Thursday, April 21st, would have been Peter's 7th birthday. He didn't even make it to his 5th, though it had been planned and he was very excited about it. We were supposed to go bowling with his friends and we picked out Batman party invitations. I imagine we would have gotten a Batman cake as well.
I look at his friends who have grown for two years and are turning or near turning seven, and my mind can't reconcile why he's not here. I still cannot wrap my brain around it, even though it's the reality of every day of my life. I don't have the proper wiring in my brain for "my kids have died" and I'm guessing I never will.
Since I won't be celebrating on Thursday I at least want to do something to honor him. Thursdays are my busiest day of school (I have class from 7am to 6pm) so I'll be busy and distracted, but I'm hoping I can find a little time each day this week to share a picture of Peter that most people haven't seen before and maybe a quick story. It makes me so sad when I realize that the pictures I have of my kids are part of a finite collection - that I'll never be able to take another picture of them - though I'm grateful I took many while they were here.
Here's a picture of Peter when he was about two months old. I always felt he was wise beyond his years (or months) and this picture illustrates that completely. Maybe it's just because I'm his mom and I'm biased, but I think he looks like he's fully aware of everything that's going on around him and that at any moment he may start spouting off words of wisdom.
Lately, I swear, my kids have felt closer than ever. Since I got back from Vermont I feel like they're with me, right next to me, so often - it's been great!
Have you ever been really close to someone physically - like hugging someone, for example - and even though you're touching them, you feel like you can't get close to them? It's like there's an invisible wall separating you from the other person. Maybe I'm just weird, but I have experienced that many times.
Anyway, this is the complete opposite! Physically, my kids aren't here, but they feel extremely close. As close as I've ever been to anyone. Almost like they're a part of me.
This isn't a constant phenomenon, but lately it's happening more often. And I think I may have figured out why.
When I was in Italy, one of my roommates, who's a good friend of mine, explained to me that sometimes she can see or hear spirits. It's not something she can do all the time, but it has happened. A few days into our trip she told me she needed to talk to me, but she was a little nervous I might think what she had to say was crazy. I told her not to worry about that, I've said my fair share of crazy things. This is what she told me, through tears as it was such an intense emotional experience:
She said, "Your kids are here - I know it. I can feel them, but they're afraid to get close to you because they don't want to set you back in your grieving process. They want to be close to you, but they don't want to hurt you."
At the time I did my best to try to understand what she was saying, but I didn't totally get it. Last week I think I finally figured it out: when my kids are close, I feel more sad and emotional than I do when they're further away. It's not that I miss them any less any other time, but when they're close I can feel them and the love between us and I get sad and emotional because I want them back, the way they used to be. So then they back off. Finally, what my friend said to me 9 months ago makes sense!
After figuring this out I "told" them that I want them to stay close to me and I can deal with the sadness. It went something like this, "I know I look really upset when you're near me and I'm crying, but I'm tough and I can handle the sadness. I'd love for you guys to be close to me and I don't want you to think you're making me cry. Really, I don't mind crying if it means I get to be near you guys!"
That "conversation" must have done something because now I feel them a lot more often, no lie.
Yesterday, I was trying to get a bunch of stuff done around my house and I felt Kate with me for most of the day. It's weird how sometimes I feel one or the other of them and sometimes they're both here. I think that's how I know I'm not making this up, because if I was I'd want them both here 24/7.
I was getting ready to go out last night while listening to Kate's Pandora station. I asked Kate if she could maybe "choose" an appropriate song (like she has magical Pandora powers - who knows?) and this is what I got:
I posted the version with the lyrics because, when you really pay attention to what the song is saying, it's is so obvious that this was something from my kids. Immediately when the song started I could feel both of them. I was completely blown away! And it didn't stop there - the music montage continued: the next song was "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" followed by "Best of Both Worlds" then "Hey, Soul Sister" and "Live Like We're Dying". I'm not making this up. Seriously.
Tomorrow, April 6th, will be the 1st anniversary of the day my kids died. I don't like to refer to it as an anniversary because, to me, the term anniversary suggests a celebration. I won't be celebrating. I'm not even sure I'll be breathing.
I don't want to make too big a deal out of "the day". In many ways it's like any other day - just another day on this earth without Kate and Peter, at least in the physical sense. However, I do feel like I'd like to do something to honor them tomorrow. I just don't know what. If anyone has any ideas I'm open to suggestions.
I was hoping to write something more eloquent, but I'm finding that I have no words. Just lots of tears. So I'll end this post with a few of my favorite pictures.
Well, it's Christmas Eve and so far I'm ok, I guess. I'm deep in denial, distraction and addictive facebook games. And, Kate and Peter were in a dream I had last night. I'm not exactly sure what we were doing, but when I woke up it felt like I had gotten to spend time with both of them.
Honestly, though, today seems surreal. I'm back to that "maybe my kids were never really here" or "they can't really be gone, they must be somewhere else" kinda thinking. I guess my brain's gotta do whatever it's gotta do to get through the moment. I'm just going with it.
Over the past few weeks I've spent a lot of time looking at pictures of past Christmases. My kids loved Christmas, as most kids do, and I'm glad I have so many photos of their smiling faces. Here are some of my favorites...
2002 - Kate's first Christmas. She was six months old. She sat up on her own and crawled for the first time on Christmas Day.
2003 - Kate was 18 months old. Peter was happily growing in my belly :)
2004 - Peter's first Christmas
Kate was very proud of her first gingerbread house.
2005 - Christmas in Danville (my hometown).
Kate loved the chocolate fountain!
2006 - Christmas in Buffalo with Babci and Dziadziu (grandma and grandpa in Polish)
Once again, Peter passes out in the middle of playing.
Back at the Monroeville mall...
2007 - A quiet Christmas at home in Pittsburgh.
2008
Kate's drawing of Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa...
Thank you, everyone, for all of your thoughts, prayers, comments, emails, cards, phone calls, etc. Again, it's difficult to explain how much everyone's support helps. I cannot find the words to express the extent of my gratitude.
I went back home to visit my parents this past week and while I was there my mom mentioned that she had some pictures of my kids saved on her hard drive. I decided to copy them to my computer and take a look...
She had TONS of pictures I had never seen before!!! It was like winning the lottery!! No, it was far better than that!!! Quite honestly, it was the greatest gift anyone could have given me. Thanks, Mom!!!
