Giving thanks...

Thanksgiving this year will be....well, interesting. I'm not sure, but I don't think it will be more horrible or unbearable than any other day because every day is difficult. I'll let you know.


I love Thanksgiving. I think it's my favorite holiday. Mostly because I love to cook and I really love to eat and it's great to have a whole day to do that with the people you love. I'm also a big fan of giving thanks. I've always felt it's important to "count my blessings" and not take things for granted, even before this year happened.


I guess, in some way, giving thanks this year means even more than it ever has before. I realize I've suffered a devastating loss, one I would give anything to undo and one I can't even completely comprehend, but even so...I still have so much good in my life. I have a wonderful family who would do anything for me, I have the most amazing friends in the world and I have a huge virtual community supporting me and helping me get by. I have a roof over my head, a job and a car. I’ve had the opportunity to spend some time traveling and now I have the chance to go back to school and pursue a career doing something I love. I am healthy. Despite my loss, I have many blessings.


As someone commented on one of my past posts - no matter how bad you think you have it, someone always has it worse. Though I am no longer physically with my children, I'm mostly sure they crossed over very quickly and didn't spend any time suffering. I believe in my heart and my soul that they are in a better place, surrounded by love and peace. They're not hurting, those of us who grieve for them are.


My heart goes out to parents who have to watch their children suffer through long-term illnesses. I also think about people who live in extreme poverty or war zones, soldiers who have to fight in wars and parents who's children disappear or are abducted. In no way is this a "who has it worse" contest, but I don't think I'd be strong enough to handle any of that. So, in my opinion, there are many people out there who have been dealt a far worse hand than me.


But back to the giving thanks part...


Most importantly, I am thankful for being Kate and Peter's mom. They came into my life, turned it upside-down, challenged me, changed me and made me a better person. They showed me what true unconditional love is.


They are they reason I have such wonderful friends. Through their lives and even in death they have connected me to so many people and brought so many other people together. The amount of love, light and joy they brought to this world in a combined 10 short years is certainly more I have in 35 years (though I’m only 28).


They taught me what is truly important in life. And I know, for sure, that they are still teaching me, changing me and helping me grow. I’m thankful for every moment I got to spend with them and every moment I will have with them in the future!


Thank you, Kate and Peter! I love you!!! Happy Thanksgiving.

Coincidence? Notsomuch...

I've said this before and I'll say it again - I do not believe in coincidence. Though I don't think everything is predetermined, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Often timing can be seemingly attributed to nothing less than divine intervention, at least in my experience. That being said...

For the past week or so I've been feeling exceptionally glum. I'm sure that doesn't come as a surprise to anyone, but what I've felt has been different from the usual sadness/anger/outrage/disbelief I've grown accustomed to. This 'glum' feeling is almost a numb feeling. It's like I lack the energy to feel much of anything anymore. It feels like I've used up every last ounce of coping energy over the past 7 months and I've got nothin left. I'm so done. (for those of you who worry - that doesn't mean I want to off myself, I'd just like to stay in bed for the next 6 or 7 years)

So Tuesday night before going to bed I checked my email and noticed that eight or nine people had commented on my blog during a span of a couple hours. I thought that was interesting because I didn't know any of those people and surmised that somewhere, someone must have told a bunch of people about my blog. I didn't know how they heard of me, but I was grateful for their kind words and offers of support. I read what they had to say and went to bed feeling a little better.

Wednesday, as I went through my day I noticed that I was getting new comments every 5 minutes! I was also getting facebook messages from people all over the world. I realized that more than 500 people had viewed my blog in one day so I knew something was up. I googled my blog and saw that Ginny Montanez had written about me and my blog on her blog, "That's Church". She encouraged people to leave a comment to support me. It was all beginning to make sense.

I need to take a few moments to sincerely thank Ginny and everyone who has taken the time to read my blog, look at pictures of my kids and write a few kind words. You have absolutely no idea how much each comment, even the smallest ones, means to me and how much you have all helped me get out of my latest funk. When I truly did not have the strength or energy to cope another day, all of you "internet strangers" and "virtual friends" have carried me. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you!

When I went to see the medium I mentioned in a previous post, she told me she could see a very large blue aura around me. She said that aura was the prayer energy of countless people praying for me. She told me I had no idea how many people were praying and that it would be difficult to understand just how much their prayers were helping. Now I do understand. And I just can't thank everyone enough.

And now for an ironic side note: I saw a news story about Ginny and her blog back in August. I checked "That's Church" out and, in addition to being extremely impressed by what an excellent writer Ginny is, her blog inspired me to start my own blog. I started Callapitter about a week after I saw that news story. I never cease to be amazed by the way people in my world are interconnected or by the fact that there is no such thing as coincidence.

I am feeling the love, lots of it...

So far today's been a pretty good day. I realize it's only noon, but I'm going with it. Maybe it's because it finally stopped raining or maybe it's because I'm over whatever flu-like thing I just had. Maybe it has something to do with it being 9/9/09 or maybe there is no reason. Doesn't really matter. It's good to feel like I can breathe, smile occasionally and have some hope to hang onto.

There are quite a few things I'd like to write about today, but I don't have a lot of time so I'm just going to focus on how writing this blog has affected me. I know I touched on it briefly in my last post, but I have been completely overwhelmed with the love and support of all of you who are reading it, commenting and sending me messages. At a time when it would not be good to feel alone, I realize that I have all of these wonderful people with me all of the time. It's like we're all on this crazy journey together. Thank you all so very much!

It's hard to believe how many people I feel connected to after the passing of my kids. I remember feeling that isolation was, by far, the hardest part of being a stay at home mom, (ok, that and lack of sleep) but now it's like things have come full-circle and my kids have connected me to everyone. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not glad they passed and would trade everything in a millisecond to be isolated on a deserted island with them forever. But it just goes to show how much they really can have an impact on this world even though they are not physically in it.

It's been incredible to feel supported by friends I haven't seen since high school, friends who've been by my side through thick and thin and people who have never met me or my kids. It's also been wonderful to hear from someone who met my kids but doesn't know me! I'm both encouraged and humbled by the fact that my situation has somehow helped others. I'm not sure how this is possible, but it shows that my kids lives were not lost in vain. My greatest fear is that my kids will be forgotten and you all have shown me that forgetting is not possible. I can't begin to describe the peace that realization brings me.

So once more...I've said it before and I'll surely say it again...thank you, thank you! I know I would not have made it this far without everyone's love and support. And thank you, Kate and Peter, for being who you are and allowing me to be your mom.