Meanwhile back in the kitchen...

I'm happy to report that I have successfully completed my finals and my most recent class at school. I'd be happy to catch you up on what I've been making.

We'll start at the end and go backwards. Here's a picture of my final project:

It's called a Gateau St. Honore and it was created to honor the patron saint of pastry chefs. Who knew pastry chefs even had a saint?!

It's basically like a giant eclair filled with pastry cream and whipped cream. Those spherical things around the outside are cream puffs that have been dipped in caramel. It's a little over-the-top, but it's good and it got me an A :-).

Next we have a Napoleon. Layers of puff pastry filled with pastry cream topped with chocolate and fondant:

We also made cheesecake which I have to say may have been the best cheesecake I've ever had. For real. And I'm not just saying that because I made it. It was really, really good!

Here's a cherry pie with a lattice crust. It wasn't as difficult as I though it would be to make. It was actually a lot of fun.

Ok, I think that's enough. What I'm not happy to report is that I have eaten almost everything I've made this quarter so I have gained a couple of pounds. I'm working on some corrective measures - like eating so many vegetables I don't have room for sweets and getting to the gym more often. I've got to reign it it soon.

This class made quite an impression on me so I've decided to change all of my culinary classes to baking and pastry classes from here on out. I truly love to bake and it's more my speed than cooking. It's somewhat slower paced and more measured and scientific. I'm one of those nerdy types who loves math and science.

I also just landed a job at a bakery that will be opening next week. I'm very excited because I've never actually had a job in the food industry. I'm sure I'll learn a great deal.

I'm a little anxious for this coming month. It will be extremely busy - 3 days of school and 3 days of work a week - but I think being busy in April will be a good thing. If nothing else it will make the month go by quickly.

One good thing...

Before I begin this post I want to thank you all once again for hanging with me through all of the sadness. Your comments and encouragement mean so much. Hearing that this blog is helping people - instead of just being self-absorbed and negative, as it sometimes feels to me - is very important. As long as this blog is helping people (myself included), I will continue to write.

I promised to write as soon as I found something positive and, thankfully, I have. So here it is:

I'm back in school now (I took the fall off for my wedding) and this quarter is all about baking. I am quite surprised and very happy to tell you that I think I may love baking more than anything I have ever done in my entire life! For real. I mean, I love to cook and I have always enjoyed baking, but seriously, I'm enjoying this class more than I thought possible.

In the past I've tried to not spend too much time writing about food because I don't want Callapitter to turn into a food blog, but right now my life is kind of food-centric so I may have to go there for a little while. I also don't have a fancy camera and I don't know how to take the beautiful pictures you see in other blogs, but I would like to share a few of the things I've made so far.

I apologize in advance if you're on a low-carb diet, or any kind of diet for that matter.

French Bread



Spritz Cookies


Pecan Sticky Buns


Biscuits (They're heart-shaped because I was practicing at home and didn't have a round biscuit cutter. And it was almost Valentine's Day.)


My favorite so far: Croissants



There is a down-side to all of this baking which is the fact that I've been consuming all of these baked goods almost as fast as I bake them. I haven't stepped anywhere near a scale in the past few weeks, but so far my clothes still fit. I'm sure that soon I will have to take measures to counteract all of the butter and sugar ingestion that's been going on. For now I'm just enjoying the fact that for at least 10 hours a week I'm distracted from my pain and sadness and I'm doing something I enjoy.

brownies, biscotti and ben harper...

Immediately after publishing my last post I went back to baking. Often while I'm in my kitchen I listen to Pandora Internet Radio. For those of you who have never heard of Pandora, I highly recommend it. Just go to www.pandora.com and follow the directions.

You basically create whatever type of radio station you want and the website tailors it to the type of music you like. Type in your favorite artists or songs and it will play that music and other similar types of music. It's free and it's a great way to learn about new artists and hear new songs. You can create as many different "stations" as you want.

I'm really not trying to advertise Pandora, however the technology behind Pandora has helped me in a very meaningful way. After my kids died I created stations for each of them. I typed in all of their favorite songs so I could always listen to and remember what kinds of music they liked. They had very different tastes and were very passionate about music.

Kate loved Miley Cyrus, the Spice Girls, Justin Timberlake, Nina Simone and anything from High School Musical. Peter was into Eminem (I think it was because he associated him with M&Ms), the Soundtrack from Cars, the Soundtrack from Pirates of the Caribbean and the Chipmunks. He also liked High School musical - I think he wanted to be just like Troy.

The coolest thing about Pandora, in my opinion, is that the stations you create seem to evolve over time. As new music is released, it's added to your stations. By creating Kate and Peter's Radio I thought I might be able to keep up on what they think is cool as time goes by. Thanks, Pandora!

Just now, while baking I was listening to Kate's Radio when "Waiting on an Angel" by Ben Harper came on. I've never heard this song before, but it's a good one. Needless to say...there are tears in the biscotti.

Yeah, this month is gonna be difficult...

When I first thought about Christmas a few months ago I thought I'd try to ignore it, pretend it wasn't happening and maybe hide somewhere until it was over. Then a couple of weeks ago I decided I'd try to embrace it - the same way I try to embrace Valentine's Day when I don't have a man in my life (that never really worked anyway). Now that I've experienced a few days of the commercial Christmas explosion I'd like to go back to my original plan.

Realistically I think I'll need to find a path somewhere in the middle. I think my kids would be disappointed if I hid from the holidays altogether. It's just really hard...as I'm sure anyone who's lost someone or who's missing someone or who's going through a difficult time at this time of year understands.

I just miss them!! For the past few days I've felt completely hollow, like someone sucked out the center of my being and left this empty, aching space. Like part of me is missing...which I guess it is. I would give anything to hug them, or hear them laugh, or hear them call me 'Mama'.

For the rest of this holiday season I'm going to do my absolute best to try to remember and share all of the wonderful holiday moments I've had with Kate and Peter over the years. I am thankful I have all of those memories. I have been truly blessed.

When I need to cry I'll cry (so a warning to everyone who will be around me this month - it could happen at any moment and it may not be pretty). When I feel like I can't breathe I'll make myself take another breath. When I really can't deal anymore I'll bake - for some strange reason that helps?! (I've already made brownies this morning and I'm moving on to biscotti and pumpkin cookies next) I guess you can tell how sad I'm feeling by how many baked goods come out of my kitchen.

I'd also love to find a place I could volunteer and help people who need help. I don't like sitting around feeling sorry for myself, but it's been kinda hard not to lately. Honestly, if anyone knows of any places where they need volunteers, please let me know. It would help me and maybe I could help someone else too.

For today...I'm gonna get back to baking. And sharing. Here are a few pictures from December 2005: