The best gift ever!

I went back home to visit my parents this past week and while I was there my mom mentioned that she had some pictures of my kids saved on her hard drive. I decided to copy them to my computer and take a look...

She had TONS of pictures I had never seen before!!! It was like winning the lottery!! No, it was far better than that!!! Quite honestly, it was the greatest gift anyone could have given me. Thanks, Mom!!!

So, of course, I have to share a few:

Christmas, now and forever...

Yesterday I was thinking about getting through this Christmas without my kids...and how I've over planned and over scheduled so that I know for sure I won't have too much time to think...and I know I'll constantly be surrounded by friends. It occurred to me that maybe I will be able to make it through this year after all, when this thought popped into my head:

It's not just this Christmas...I have to get through every Christmas, every year, til the end of my time here on Earth without them.

That fucking sucks Santa's ass...and Rudolph's too!!! FUCK!!!

It may seem obvious to everyone else, but I was so focused on getting through this year that I temporarily forgot about the rest of time. I know all the stuff about "one day at a time" and "being in the moment" but really?!

I think one of the hardest things about this death/grief stuff is the permanence of all of it. Like, really, they're not coming back. I know they're here in spirit, but I prefer them with their bodies too.

I know I don't need to think about forever right now, but sometimes I do.

So there. I said it, it's out there and hopefully getting it out will make it feel a little more bearable. Thank you all for listening.

mobile uploads, the third...

Here are a few more of the pictures stored on my old phone...the phone that was only supposed to be able to hold 35 pics, but never ran out of memory. For that I am thankful.

Peter and Kate at Starbucks. They're drinking hot chocolate, though they would have preferred coffee. Kate used to drink coffee out of my cup when I wasn't looking and Peter was all over the free coffee samples. Btw, Starbucks was one of Peter's first words.

I love her smile...



Peter at the Mr. Rogers play area at the Monroeville Mall...

Apparently Kate was a hippie in a previous life... (I love the heels. She wore nothing but heels at home)

Peter, age 2, taking care of a baby....

December, 2006...

while I was cleaning this morning...

Yes...believe it or not, I was cleaning!

I found this note from Kate in a pile of papers. No lie.

You're more than welcome, Kate! I love you too!! Thank you for taking care of me.

brownies, biscotti and ben harper...

Immediately after publishing my last post I went back to baking. Often while I'm in my kitchen I listen to Pandora Internet Radio. For those of you who have never heard of Pandora, I highly recommend it. Just go to www.pandora.com and follow the directions.

You basically create whatever type of radio station you want and the website tailors it to the type of music you like. Type in your favorite artists or songs and it will play that music and other similar types of music. It's free and it's a great way to learn about new artists and hear new songs. You can create as many different "stations" as you want.

I'm really not trying to advertise Pandora, however the technology behind Pandora has helped me in a very meaningful way. After my kids died I created stations for each of them. I typed in all of their favorite songs so I could always listen to and remember what kinds of music they liked. They had very different tastes and were very passionate about music.

Kate loved Miley Cyrus, the Spice Girls, Justin Timberlake, Nina Simone and anything from High School Musical. Peter was into Eminem (I think it was because he associated him with M&Ms), the Soundtrack from Cars, the Soundtrack from Pirates of the Caribbean and the Chipmunks. He also liked High School musical - I think he wanted to be just like Troy.

The coolest thing about Pandora, in my opinion, is that the stations you create seem to evolve over time. As new music is released, it's added to your stations. By creating Kate and Peter's Radio I thought I might be able to keep up on what they think is cool as time goes by. Thanks, Pandora!

Just now, while baking I was listening to Kate's Radio when "Waiting on an Angel" by Ben Harper came on. I've never heard this song before, but it's a good one. Needless to say...there are tears in the biscotti.

Yeah, this month is gonna be difficult...

When I first thought about Christmas a few months ago I thought I'd try to ignore it, pretend it wasn't happening and maybe hide somewhere until it was over. Then a couple of weeks ago I decided I'd try to embrace it - the same way I try to embrace Valentine's Day when I don't have a man in my life (that never really worked anyway). Now that I've experienced a few days of the commercial Christmas explosion I'd like to go back to my original plan.

Realistically I think I'll need to find a path somewhere in the middle. I think my kids would be disappointed if I hid from the holidays altogether. It's just really hard...as I'm sure anyone who's lost someone or who's missing someone or who's going through a difficult time at this time of year understands.

I just miss them!! For the past few days I've felt completely hollow, like someone sucked out the center of my being and left this empty, aching space. Like part of me is missing...which I guess it is. I would give anything to hug them, or hear them laugh, or hear them call me 'Mama'.

For the rest of this holiday season I'm going to do my absolute best to try to remember and share all of the wonderful holiday moments I've had with Kate and Peter over the years. I am thankful I have all of those memories. I have been truly blessed.

When I need to cry I'll cry (so a warning to everyone who will be around me this month - it could happen at any moment and it may not be pretty). When I feel like I can't breathe I'll make myself take another breath. When I really can't deal anymore I'll bake - for some strange reason that helps?! (I've already made brownies this morning and I'm moving on to biscotti and pumpkin cookies next) I guess you can tell how sad I'm feeling by how many baked goods come out of my kitchen.

I'd also love to find a place I could volunteer and help people who need help. I don't like sitting around feeling sorry for myself, but it's been kinda hard not to lately. Honestly, if anyone knows of any places where they need volunteers, please let me know. It would help me and maybe I could help someone else too.

For today...I'm gonna get back to baking. And sharing. Here are a few pictures from December 2005:

A message from Kate?

As I traveled through Italy last month and spent a few days in Florence, I had a couple of interesting experiences in which I felt like my kids might be communicating with me. Here's my description of one of them:

On my first night there my friend, Ken, and I were walking back to our hotel after dinner when we heard this musician performing on the street. He was playing and singing the song "Hallelujah". I'm not sure who originally recorded it, but I'm familiar with the Rufus Wainwright and Kate Voegele versions. My daughter, Kate, and I both loved this song and used to sing along in the car quite often.

So I stopped to listen...I explained to Ken that this was one of the songs Kate loved. Then I started crying. Music is one of those things that always gets me! It doesn't matter how strong I feel or how distracted - one meaningful song and I'm done.

Here's a little snippet of the song. (Sorry the audio/video quality isn't great.)

I was crying pretty hard by the end of the song. It's fabulous to sob in public, let me tell you. At least I was in another country where I don't know anyone.

So when the musician dude was finished singing "Hallelujah" he went right into "Everybody Hurts" by REM. I mean, seriously. What are the chances? "Everybody Hurts" is one of the greatest songs off all time, in my opinion, and could not have been any more descriptive of how I was feeling. And the message of "Everybody Hurts" was so fitting! If you don't know the song and don't feel like following the above link to the video, here are the lyrics:

Everybody Hurts

(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone


After that song the musician started singing in Italian. After all, we were in Italy. Ken looked at me and said, "I think Kate's trying to tell you something." I think he was right.