Callapitter

still swimming...

2011-12-22T14:08:00.003-05:00

I've had this song stuck in my head since yesterday. I think it's because that's exactly what I'm doing to try to make it through the holidays.

It's been a difficult year for a number of reasons, and December is never easy. I haven't written in so long (I didn't even realize how long until I logged in today) but so many of you are still posting thoughtful and encouraging comments. THANK YOU.

I wanted to let you know that I am still here and I'm swimming the best I can. I haven't had the energy to put my thoughts into coherent sentences in a long time which is why I haven't been writing. I'm always hoping that will change and I will be able to get back to doing this regularly.

Again, I thank you all for staying with me even when it doesn't seem like I'm still here. I wish you much peace, joy and love throughout the holidays and may we all have a Happy New Year!

An update on surrendering...

2011-08-21T20:55:00.005-04:00

In the weeks that have passed since my last post (it's hard to believe it's been weeks already) I've been struggling with the whole idea of surrendering, or accepting what happened to my kids. For the first two days, every time I'd try to get myself to make peace with my kids' death the resulting experience was anything but peaceful. It literally felt like someone very strong had kicked me in the chest, sucked all the air out of the room and then tied a noose around my neck. I'm not lying. I could not breathe. I could not think. I could not surrender.

After those first couple of days I sort of gave up on the plan and instead decided to accept the fact that I couldn't accept the facts. I decided that my version of surrendering would be to acknowledge what has happened and admit that I will never be able to handle it. I have come to the realization that I will never be ok with it. I even came up with an acronym for my condition. FFU. Forever Fucked Up. That's just the way I am and the way I'm gonna be.

I have to tell you something really weird. Even though this is a completely bass ackward way of surrendering, it sort of worked. I started to notice a change. Even though I can't accept something that happened almost two and a half years ago, I can accept the person I am right now.

I can't explain it completely, but in the past few weeks I've started being kinder to myself. Instead of constantly fighting my situation or trying to change what has happened I allow myself to "indulge" in my sadness - if I don't feel motivated to do anything, then I don't do anything. If I feel like feeling sorry for myself then I throw myself a pity party. If I want to be angry and jealous because my friends' kids are growing up and mine aren't, then so be it. After all, I'm FFU so I might as well learn to live with it.

This may sound like a great increase in negativity, but strangely it doesn't feel that way at all. Instead of putting all of my energy into trying to change things that cannot be changed, I have started taking care of myself. I find myself thinking, "well, this is your life now - what can you do to make the most of it (or at least make it bearable)". That thought has proven to be far more constructive that something like "this cannot have happened!"

I think I finally began to understand the changes that have been happening when I took some time to do yoga tonight. Yoga is something that was very important to me a few years ago. When I started freaking about the possibility of getting divorced, a therapist recommended I try yoga to help me stay grounded and keep breathing. Yoga truly changed my life. I became healthier, more confident, more calm and I experienced a peace I hadn't really ever felt before. Since my kids died I unfortunately haven't put forth the effort to do much yoga at all.

Tonight I decided that in order to take care of myself in my FFU condition and make the evening more bearable I would find some Netflix yoga and commit to completing one session. After I stopped beating myself up about how much strength and flexibility I have lost in the past few years, I allowed myself to breathe and actually feel my body. My energy and the energy in my house changed dramatically. I felt a peace I haven't felt in years. I am crying tears of relief as I type because finally, FINALLY I have found a little bit of peace! (non-substance-related peace, that is) It may be fleeting, but for now I'll take it.

I feel that I owe Shirley MacLaine a great deal of gratitude for sharing her idea of surrendering on the Oprah show. Her words really stuck with me and even though I wasn't able to surrender in the way I thought I should surrender, I was able to surrender to something. Just as she suggested, surrendering is very powerful.

Surrender...

2011-08-02T17:16:00.006-04:00

I was just flipping through the channels when I decided to watch the last half of Oprah's most recent interview with Shirley MacLaine. I used to think Shirley MacLaine was a little crazy, but now I'm not so sure (though I'm pretty sure I'm a little crazy, but that's beside the point). She said a few things that really resonated with me. I felt I needed to share.

What first caught my attention in this interview is that Shirley mentioned she no longer attends funerals. When Oprah asked her why she replied with something to the effect of "well, none of us die so why go to a funeral?" According to her beliefs (in a nutshell), souls don't die, they just shed their bodies and move on to another state of consciousness. From there they can decide whether or not to incarnate again.

Anytime someone talks about their belief that souls don't die, I get a little excited. It's like somewhere in my deep pool of sadness a little bit of hope bubbles up. I don't really want to get into a full-on discussion of my feelings about reincarnation right now (maybe in a later post) but, suffice it to say, I've considered the possibility.

At this point in the interview I was somewhat glued to the TV, feeling quite emotional, hoping to hear something helpful. It's not that I think Shirley MacLaine is some "enlightened being" (who knows, maybe she is?) or guru I want to follow, I just believe that we can learn something from everyone.

After more reflection on Shirley's life experiences and accomplishments, Oprah asked her what her biggest life lesson has been so far. She replied that she has learned to "let life happen". Then she used the word "surrender".

It's hard to explain why the word surrender had such a huge impact on me, but when she said it I had a major realization. It hit me that for the past two years, three months and twenty-seven days I have used every ounce of energy I possess to fight against reality. Every moment of every day, both when I'm awake and when I'm asleep, I'm thinking "this didn't happen, my kids can't be gone, there must be some mistake!"

Hundreds of times each day I say to myself in my head or under my breath "I just want my kids back, please give me my kids back, I'll do anything - please!" All I do is fight, fight, fight and I'm getting angrier and more anxious all the time. Just this afternoon I tried to take a nap and woke up in a complete panic. It has to stop.

When Shirley said "surrender" the word sounded like a vacation (I know that sounds strange, but stay with me for a minute). Surrender, to me, seems like a land far, far away in which I might be able to rest. I thought, "if I could just give up this fight and accept what has happened maybe some of the anger, stress and panic will subside, at least temporarily".

I have to tell you that accepting what has happened to Kate and Peter is not something I want to do. It's not right, it's not the natural order of things and I fucking hate it. But I can't fight it anymore. I certainly can't change it because, let me tell you, if I could I would have changed it a long time ago.

So I guess my next step needs to be finding a way to surrender. I have a feeling I'll last all of five minutes and then be back to my usual fighting, but I think that's ok. Maybe the next time I try I'll be able to last six minutes instead. Maybe eventually I'll be able to find some peace . I'm not convinced, but it can't hurt to try.

Maybe if I can "let life happen" something will shift or change and I'll be able to move forward. Despite my best efforts to move forward, I'm currently stuck in some sort of holding pattern of relentlessly negative emotions. Something's gotta give. Maybe it's me.

I'm still here...

2011-07-11T15:16:00.005-04:00

...which is the first thing I say to my therapist every time I see her. She always asks, "How are you?" and I always reply, "I'm still here" with a tone of annoyance in my voice, frustrated that some act of God hasn't yet taken me out. Typically she'll respond with something like, "well I, for one, am glad" at which point I roll my eyes and groan.

I have major guilt about the fact that I don't want to be here, but it doesn't change how I feel. I know there are many, many people who love me and are doing all they can to help me be happy, but I miss my kids terribly and each day seems to be more difficult than the last. Whoever said grief gets easier with time was full of shit as far as I'm concerned. Seems to me it only gets worse, at least that's how it feels at the moment.

I can't believe it's been almost three months since I posted anything on this blog. I'm sorry if I worried anyone and I appreciate all of your messages and support. At the time I wrote my last entry I had gotten so busy with school and work that I unfortunately had no time to do anything extra such as sleeping, breathing or blogging. Somehow I made it through and managed to do well in both of my classes. Since then I have reduced the number of hours I'm working and the number of classes I'm taking to preserve whatever sanity I can.

I'm fairly certain that, in addition to the fact that my kids are dead, my extreme busy-ness is the reason for my current funk. If you remember, a few months ago I declared that I was going to do whatever I could to try to "find" my kids and for the first time in a long time I felt hopeful. I was so hopeful I was almost excited. Sadly, my intense schedule squashed those hopes, at least temporarily.

Instead of doing something constructive, like reading, searching or meditating, I starting spending any spare time I could find in a less-than-sober state. Don't worry, I haven't become an alcoholic or drug addict and I'm a very careful and responsible person, but I have put a lot of effort into self-medicating and numbing out. I know some of you are probably horrified (especially my parents - I imagine my phone will be ringing in a matter of minutes), but I have to politely ask you to give me a break. I realize drug-induced altered states of consciousness may not solve any problems, but I do occasionally find a few hours of peace. I often feel like I'm living in hell, so it's nice to take breaks periodically.

For the past few days I've felt like I'm facing a decision, like I've reached a fork in the road and I need to choose a path. I can either continue doing what I'm doing - struggling through each day and rewarding myself by numbing out - or I can try to make some changes that might actually improve my life. I have to tell you that the first option sounds a whole lot easier than the second, but I know it's getting me nowhere and it's actually making me feel worse. I'm not exactly sure how to go about the second, but gradually I might be able to figure something out.

I am feeling good about the fact that, for the foreseeable future, my schedule will be much easier. I should have enough time to start reading and trying to "find" my kids again. As ridiculous and far-fetched as this whole idea may sound, it is the only thing that gives me hope. There HAS to be more out there, we HAVE to be eternal beings, or this whole thing called life is a bunch of bullshit. Just sayin.

I also hope to write more. I never make any promises because I know I could get busy again and not have time, and the last thing I want to feel guilty about is my blog. When I'm not writing, it's generally because I'm having a hard time and I feel like I'm only complaining. I don't want my blog to be one endless rant of "Woe is me, life sucks". I don't want to write if I can't say at least something positive.

But writing does help - it allows me to get my thoughts out of my head where they tend to bounce around and get distorted - and, thanks to all of you, it makes me feel less alone. It also makes me feel accountable. If I tell everyone I'm gonna make changes, I feel like I should do that.

So I am still here, wherever here is. And I'm hoping here will get better.

I'm trying to pretend I'm a normal person...

2011-04-22T09:08:00.003-04:00

...and failing miserably.

I'm not sure what I was thinking a couple months ago when I registered for two classes (instead of my usual - one) and decided to get a part-time job. Most of the students in my program take four classes at a time (though they're all working toward a degree and I'm not) and work jobs, some of them full-time. I thought, "two classes and 20 hours a week - no big deal, right? Any normal person can handle that."

That's where I went wrong. For a moment I lost sight of the fact that I'm no longer a normal person at all. I don't know what I am exactly, I just know I'm not normal.

I love this metaphor written by another grieving mother and blogger, in which she compares the loss of her daughter to losing a limb, and her resulting state to that of an amputee. I don't want to convey that she means losing a child is like losing a limb - I can safely say both of us would've rather lost all of our limbs than our children - however she so clearly describes the fact that losing a child is a wound that will never completely heal. Though we may try to move forward, we will be forever impaired.

When I registered for my classes and applied for my job one of the thoughts I had was, "it will be good to be super busy in April." April is such a difficult month and I thought that by filling it with things to do I would be able to make it go by quickly, without having to dwell on the anniversary of the accident or Peter's birthday or Easter (the day of my kids' wake). Wrong again! No matter how I try to distract myself, I can't hide from or escape those difficult days. I spend just as much time grieving, only now I have 800 other things I should be doing.

What a mess I've gotten myself into. I'm not exactly sure how to get out of it.

What I've learned is that I can't take on as much as other people. Two classes and a part-time job may not seem like much, but for me it's more than I can handle. I just don't have the mental energy or life force or whatever you want to call it to get things done. So much of my energy goes into holding myself together so I'm not crying all the time, there isn't a lot left for everything else.

I hate admitting this. I hate feeling like I'm using my kids as an excuse for not being able to get things done. But it's the truth. No matter how much I hate it, it just is. I am impaired and I imagine I always will be.

I'm a perfectionist in a way - in the fact that if I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it at all - and I don't want to become a quitter. I will get through these classes (though I may not get A's -ARGH!) and I will not quit my job. I will, however, try to find ways to not get myself into this situation again. Maybe I'll ask for a reduction in my work hours and be more mindful when planning future classes. Maybe the title "grieving mother" would qualify me as a student with a disability and I could have extra time to finish my assignments. Probably not, but you never know.

For now I need to go finish an assignment that was due yesterday (as I mentioned in my last post, I didn't make it to class because I was too sad) and start a project that's due this coming week.

There is one small thing I have gained as a result of losing my kids that "normal" people may not have. That thing is perspective. I know that even if I dropped out of school today and quit my job tomorrow, none of that really matters. The only thing that matters is being with the people you love. Unfortunately, I learned that too late. I'll never forget it.

Happy birthday, Peter!

2011-04-21T09:11:00.005-04:00

Well, I'm not in school where I'm supposed to be and I feel pretty bad about that. But it's Peter's 7th birthday and I just can't hold it together well enough to be there. So I'm home, looking through pictures and I found these two that were taken when Peter was 2 years old.

Happy birthday to my baby boy (even though I'm sure you're not a baby anymore)! I love you, Peter.

If it fits, it's a carry on...

2011-04-20T10:43:00.005-04:00

In June of 2007, Steve and I took Kate and Peter to Disney World as a surprise for Kate's 5th birthday. When we got to the gate in Pittsburgh there was a box showing the acceptable size of a carry on item. In true kid fashion, Kate and Peter both climbed inside.

Peter was eating a bagel with cream cheese (no surprise there) and had cream cheese all over his face:

Kate was just happy:

Here they are, complete with mouse ears and one of Peter's many silly faces:

Rub a dub dub...

2011-04-19T18:12:00.004-04:00

Scooge in a tub.

Scooge (also Scoogie or Scoogie-man) was one of Peter's nicknames. I think I mentioned it before, but in case you haven't read that far back, there it is. I started calling him Scoogie Woogie the day after he was born (because I'm weird like that) and, for some reason, the Scoogie part stuck.

Anyway, this picture was taken when he was about 8 months old. Peter loved taking a bath. This child would have spent hours in the tub if I would have let him. He would just hang out in the water, playing with his toys and, as he got older, swimming in the tub. I so wish I could just pick up his chubby little baby self, wrap him in a towel and snuggle with him. At least I have the memories. And the pictures. They're far better than never having known him at all.

I should be planning a birthday party...

2011-04-18T10:00:00.004-04:00

...but I'm not. This Thursday, April 21st, would have been Peter's 7th birthday. He didn't even make it to his 5th, though it had been planned and he was very excited about it. We were supposed to go bowling with his friends and we picked out Batman party invitations. I imagine we would have gotten a Batman cake as well.

I look at his friends who have grown for two years and are turning or near turning seven, and my mind can't reconcile why he's not here. I still cannot wrap my brain around it, even though it's the reality of every day of my life. I don't have the proper wiring in my brain for "my kids have died" and I'm guessing I never will.

Since I won't be celebrating on Thursday I at least want to do something to honor him. Thursdays are my busiest day of school (I have class from 7am to 6pm) so I'll be busy and distracted, but I'm hoping I can find a little time each day this week to share a picture of Peter that most people haven't seen before and maybe a quick story. It makes me so sad when I realize that the pictures I have of my kids are part of a finite collection - that I'll never be able to take another picture of them - though I'm grateful I took many while they were here.

Here's a picture of Peter when he was about two months old. I always felt he was wise beyond his years (or months) and this picture illustrates that completely. Maybe it's just because I'm his mom and I'm biased, but I think he looks like he's fully aware of everything that's going on around him and that at any moment he may start spouting off words of wisdom.

But he's still my baby, and I miss him.

the anniversary, year two

2011-04-06T07:02:00.007-04:00

So the day is here and so far I'm ok, though I've only been awake for 10 minutes. Right now I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of peace - I have no idea why but I'm going with it.

I remember last year on the first anniversary I had this compulsive need to relive all of the events of the year before. I kept looking at the clock thinking, "this time last year I was taking Peter to school" or "this time last year we were driving to Erie" etc. It's something I had to do for some reason, but in essence I was just reliving the tragedy of it all.

This year I don't feel the need to do that so I'm going to try to stay present in 2011. Instead of trying to remember every detail of the last time I saw them, I'm going to try to focus on the love that I feel for my kids and from my kids, no matter where they are. The love still exists and it always will.

And, if I relive anything this year, I want to relive some of the wonderful moments and memories I shared with Kate and Peter.

Where does the time go?

2011-04-04T08:16:00.004-04:00

Last week was my week off and I had high hopes for blogging. Now the week is over and I completed almost one post (which I'll publish now even though it's sort of after-the-fact), but that was it.

Now the week of the anniversary is upon me and, though I will be starting my new classes at school and spending time working at my new job, I can think of nothing else. How is it possible that it's been almost two years since I've held my babies?! It doesn't make sense. It's getting difficult to believe that they were real. I know they WERE real and that they still are but somehow, in this physical plane of existence, it just doesn't add up.

I don't know what to do this year on the anniversary. I sort of want to crawl in a cave and hide until it's over however that day, the 6th, is my first day of class. I've emailed my instructor to let him know why I probably won't be myself that day, but I know it will be difficult to even be present in that class. I'm sure he would understand if I didn't come, but I hate missing the first day - I'll feel like I'm behind for the rest of the quarter. I need to find some super-human strength to get through it.

After class I plan to spend time with some good friends and I'd like to do something to honor and remember my kids but I have no idea what. None. Zippo. Not a clue. Maybe this year just getting through the day will be enough.

If you don't hear from me for a week or so, don't worry. I'll be ok. I may find that I need to write because often that's a good way of dealing with my emotions, but I have a feeling I'm going to be more quiet this time around.

Meanwhile back in the kitchen...

2011-04-04T07:07:00.000-04:00

I'm happy to report that I have successfully completed my finals and my most recent class at school. I'd be happy to catch you up on what I've been making.

We'll start at the end and go backwards. Here's a picture of my final project:

It's called a Gateau St. Honore and it was created to honor the patron saint of pastry chefs. Who knew pastry chefs even had a saint?!

It's basically like a giant eclair filled with pastry cream and whipped cream. Those spherical things around the outside are cream puffs that have been dipped in caramel. It's a little over-the-top, but it's good and it got me an A :-).

Next we have a Napoleon. Layers of puff pastry filled with pastry cream topped with chocolate and fondant:

We also made cheesecake which I have to say may have been the best cheesecake I've ever had. For real. And I'm not just saying that because I made it. It was really, really good!

Here's a cherry pie with a lattice crust. It wasn't as difficult as I though it would be to make. It was actually a lot of fun.

Ok, I think that's enough. What I'm not happy to report is that I have eaten almost everything I've made this quarter so I have gained a couple of pounds. I'm working on some corrective measures - like eating so many vegetables I don't have room for sweets and getting to the gym more often. I've got to reign it it soon.

This class made quite an impression on me so I've decided to change all of my culinary classes to baking and pastry classes from here on out. I truly love to bake and it's more my speed than cooking. It's somewhat slower paced and more measured and scientific. I'm one of those nerdy types who loves math and science.

I also just landed a job at a bakery that will be opening next week. I'm very excited because I've never actually had a job in the food industry. I'm sure I'll learn a great deal.

I'm a little anxious for this coming month. It will be extremely busy - 3 days of school and 3 days of work a week - but I think being busy in April will be a good thing. If nothing else it will make the month go by quickly.

A whole new level of sadness...

2011-03-20T20:46:00.005-04:00

I've been quite busy lately so, unfortunately, I haven't had much time to blog. I'm nearing the end of my quarter in school which means that this is finals week and I've overscheduled myself as usual. It's good to be busy, but only to a point. I may have crossed that line.

I'm still working on finding my kids and I've had a few encouraging experiences, but I don't have much time to write so I'll save that for later. After my finals, I'll have a week's break from school so I should have time to fill you in then.

One of the tasks I've been trying to accomplish this weekend is to transfer my home movies from a Digital 8 format to DVD. I've looked for someone who does this professionally, but I gave up on that search so, with Ken's help, I've been loading the movies onto my computer and trying to burn them that way. Unfortunately, Windows XP doesn't include a DVD burner so I either need to buy some software or just buy a separate DVD burner. Either way, it's a real pain in the ass.

When I first started importing the movies onto my computer I was excited to watch them. I've only watched a few minutes here and there over the past two years and I always thought that, while it made me sad, it was nice to see my kids having fun at Christmas or birthday parties or in whatever they were doing. In the past few days, however, I've watched a couple of hours of video and it's had a much different effect on me.

Instead of making me smile or laugh remembering how beautiful and wonderful Kate and Peter were while they were here, these videos have launched me into a whole new level of sadness. When I watch them, they look and sound so real that when I realize they're gone it's almost like living through the trauma of the accident all over again. Except this time I'm not in shock. I'm all too aware of reality.

After living through the experience of losing my kids, I've learned that being in shock is truly a gift. I honestly believe it's the only way a person can go on living and breathing after that kid of experience. The more it wears off, the harder it gets.

This is one of those moments when I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. I think "How much longer do I have to be without them?!" But I don't have a choice, so I have to keep doing this. I hate that.

So for now I'm going to take some Tylenol PM (don't worry - only the recommended dose) and cry myself to sleep - which reminds me: I had another dream about Kate two nights ago. We were together doing something, I don't remember what, but it felt so real. I do remember thinking, in my dream, "Is this real or is this just a dream?" Finally I decided, "Who cares! Just enjoy it!!"

So I'm going to bed and hopefully when I wake up tomorrow I'll hurt a little less and be able to do the things I need to do and move forward in my journey. Goodnight.

Another dream...

2011-03-08T07:17:00.005-05:00

Lately Kate has been on my mind all the time. It's weird how sometimes I think more about Peter, sometimes more about Kate. I guess I go through phases. Sometimes I feel that one of them is around me, sometimes I feel they're both around. But for the past few weeks, it's mostly been Kate.

I've been hearing songs that remind me of her almost constantly, especially songs that were on the radio when I was pregnant with her nine years ago. (It's hard to believe she would be turning 9 in a few months - she didn't even make it to 7.) Over the past two weeks I've heard the song "A Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton just about everyday - both on the radio in my car and on Pandora. I distinctly remember hearing this song on my way to a prenatal appointment when I was very, very pregnant.

It's not like that song is climbing back up the charts, so why I hear it all the time I don't know. I do have to say that as I listen to that song again, the line "If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me/us by?" strikes me. I think there's something to that - but I don't know what.

Anyway, I've been thinking about Kate a lot and last night she was in my dream. I'm almost reluctant to call it a dream because it felt so real. She came to visit me for a weekend. It turns out that she hadn't died, but had been living in Buffalo with her dad since the accident.

I was so confused because how could I not know she was alive?! She had grown - she looked older and acted way more mature. She was different too. She had lost some of her spunk. She had been in the accident that killed her brother and she was afraid to be in a car. She was also afraid to upset anyone, and went along with everything everyone else said.

For example, I took her to get ice cream and she had no flavor preference. Whatever I thought she should have was what she wanted. I asked her if she wanted to see her friends and she said, "if you think I should". It was like she was afraid to have an opinion or a need. It was like my little girl had lost her will to live.

Regardless of her state of mind, I was determined to get her back and to help her enjoy her life again. I was going to call her school and enroll her the following day - I knew she'd be excited about that. I talked to her dad and he agreed that she should be living with me since he worked a lot and I was able to be home. I was so sad that she hadn't been able to come to my wedding, but so excited that she was alive! It was just so real.

I kept thinking about my blog and how it says that "this is the story of my life and journey after the death of my kids" but only one of my kids had died. How could I have made such a mistake?!! And what about Peter? How did he die when Kate hadn't?

Right now I feel like I'm in a fog, like I don't know what is real. This dream has thrown me off a little.

I guess it was bittersweet. It was wonderful to feel like I got to spend some time with my "little worm", but sad when I woke up and realized it was a dream. And sad when I realized how sad she was.

It felt too real to just be a dream. Maybe I need to go back to bed.

And Kate, just so you know, I would absolutely walk a thousand miles to see you again. I'd walk a million.

Here's a little something I found...

2011-03-03T11:36:00.005-05:00

Last year, when I was in Australia visiting my brother, I had an interesting experience; yet another non-coincidence.

My mom, my brother, Ken and I were taking a train from the Syndey Harbour to my brother's apartment, just outside the city. I happened to look out the window and for a split-second saw this:

I kinda thought I was hallucinating. No one else saw it, but I could have sworn I had just seen my kids names painted, with a heart, on the side of some building.

A few days later we took the same train and I made everyone else watch for it too. Indeed, there it was. I wasn't hallucinating. Unfortunately, we moved by so quickly there was no possible way to take a picture.

I'm not saying that finding this graffiti is any sort of special sign or anything. I just thought it was pretty cool. And, honestly, I think the chances of me coincidentally looking in that direction at that exact moment were pretty slim. I'm sure whoever painted it was referring to a different "Peter and Katie", but it still made me smile.

You've probably never heard me refer to Kate as "Katie" because I never called her Katie. She didn't really like that nickname, although there were two people she allowed to call her that: her paternal grandfather, Dziadziu, and her Kindergarten teacher, Mrs. S. She loved when they called her Katie.

I have been wanting a picture of this graffiti since I was in Sydney, but I had no way of getting one. Last night I was randomly googling my kids - I mean, when you're looking for someone, isn't the internet the first place to start?! - when I decided to try "peter katie sydney graffiti pic". It worked! Thankfully, this person took a picture and uploaded it to Flickr. I don't you, but whoever you are, thank you!

So, while I haven't exactly found my kids, I have found a little something. Maybe that means I'm on the right track. Thank you all for your encouragement and advice about my journey to find them. I appreciate it.

a quick qualifier...

2011-03-01T23:14:00.003-05:00

Sometimes it's difficult to share my true feelings without worrying what people will think when they read them. I know I've said I don't want to censor myself and that I want to keep it real, but I feel this strange responsibility to hide the really dark stuff because it might scare people.

My last post was actually written as something positive and hopeful, but I realize that some of the language seems very negative. I also realize that stating that I feel like I'm "waiting to die" might hurt some of the people that I love. I don't want to hurt anyone.

I'd like to take a moment to try to explain.

At times things are bad - really, really bad. Sometimes I do fantasize about "being done" and being with my kids again, though, as I've said before, I will not kill myself. Despite these dark and desperate feelings, I'm still very grateful for all of the good in my life. I have an amazing husband and wonderful friends and family who love and support me through all of the ups and downs. I don't want anyone to think that I take any of these important people for granted.

I also realize that I'm very lucky to have the abilities and opportunities that I do, and that not everyone is as fortunate. It's hard to explain, but I am in a constant state of simultaneous joy and pain. It's just the way it is. While on the one hand I'm experiencing happiness and love, on the other hand I feel that part of my heart has been torn from my body. Both are true.

Now that I've cleared that up, or at least attempted to, I'm gonna go to bed. Thank you all for your understanding.

I have to find them.

2011-03-01T17:27:00.004-05:00

This is one of those posts which, after reading, you will surely think I've crossed the crazy line or lost my mind. Both may be true. So be it.

Here's the thing: every day I wake up and think "I can't do this another day. I cannot continue to go on without them. I have no real purpose or identity anymore and I just wanna be done." Then I get out of bed and try to find a way to pass the time (it's not like I don't have plenty of things I should be doing, I just don't feel like doing any of them). Inevitably I start feeling like my life is one big game of "waiting to die", which could take a long time since I'm only 36.

So today I decided I'm going try something else. I'm gonna try to find them. (hint: this is where the crazy comes in) But seriously, if Thich Nhat Hanh was right and, as quoted in my last post, "you have never been born and you can never die" then they have to be somewhere, right? I mean, if all of the non-coincidences that have occurred in my life since they died are real, then they are somewhere, trying to communicate, and reaching out to me.

I need to explain that on most days I do believe that all of the non-coincidences are real, and that people don't die, they just move on to a different reality. However, sometimes I'm a true skeptic and I worry that when you're dead you're just dead - which means I may never see them again. Those are the days I want to jump off a bridge.

In order to prevent any bridge jumping, I'm going to embark on a journey. I'm going to read and study and meditate and do whatever it is I need to do to find out where they are and how I can communicate regularly. I have to.

I mean, any mother who "lost" her children - like in the mall or the grocery store - would search until she found them, right? She wouldn't just say, "Oh well, I guess I'll never see them again." Well, I'm a mom and I'm going to find my kids. For me it'll be a little harder because as much as I'd like to periodically pretend that they're just "lost" or sleeping or at school, I know that in reality they suffered fatal injuries in a car accident. (I'm trying not to say they died - because if you can't be born and you can't die, then they didn't actually die. See where I'm going with that?)

I have to imagine this journey won't be easy and that sometimes I'll want to give up, but I've never been one to shy away from a challenge. And really, what other choice do I have? Bridge jumping. I'm just sayin.

As soon as I figure out what my first step will be, I'll let you know. I've read a few interesting books since April of 2009, so I'll probably go back and reread them. The one that sticks out is called "Love Never Dies" by Sandy Goodman. Ken gave me that book at a time when I wanted to throw any book about grief through the window or at the person who gave it to me. But that book was different.

From what I remember, Sandy started a similar journey and did whatever she could to find a way to communicate with her son who had passed on. I need to reread to remember the details; I'm one of those people who simply cannot retain information I've read, or remember movies for that matter. I could watch the same movie 5 times and be surprised, every time, by the ending. I'm kinda like a goldfish. But I digress.

I will be sure to keep you posted about what I learn and where this journey takes me. I'm a little excited. And I feel hopeful, which in and of itself, feels good.

A little bit of hope...

2011-02-23T10:14:00.006-05:00

Yesterday I went to the library to return some books and pick up a book on Veganism that I had requested. (I'm not planning on becoming a Vegan, I'm just interested in learning more about alternatives to animal products.)

While I was at the library I looked randomly through some books on the shelf and picked out a book called "no death, no fear" by Thich Nhat Hanh. An hour later I found out that one of my best friends just lost her mom.

Saddened by this news and thinking of my kids I opened the book this morning and found this passage,

"Since before time you have been free. Birth and death are only doors through which we pass, sacred thresholds on our journey. Birth and death are a game of hide-and-seek. You have never been born and you can never die."

It gives me hope. I wanted to share it with you.

Can someone please turn off my brain?!

2011-02-22T07:21:00.005-05:00

It's driving me crazy!!

Lately I've been a little obsessed with the accident. Obsessed in a really bad way. Obsessed in that I seriously can't stop thinking about it.

Most of the time it begins when I'm driving on a highway. I'm driving along, singing some Gaga and it hits me. I look at how fast I'm going, I look at the side of the road and I start imagining what the accident was like for Kate and Peter. And then I freak out.

I start crying and apologizing to them and praying to someone that they didn't suffer. I go over it and over it, and each time it seems worse. I think, "I NEED to know that they were ok - that it was quick and they didn't feel anything or that they were unaware of what was going on". Then I think, "THEY WEREN'T OK, OBVIOUSLY - THEY DIED, YOU STUPID MORON!!!!"

And then I lay in bed at night and it starts all over again. Or I wake up in the middle of the night. I don't know how to stop it and I know it's not helping anyone.

It's not like I can go back and fix it, though that's what I think my brain is trying to figure out a way to do. It's not like I'll ever figure it out either. So why can't I stop?

Ugh.

One good thing...

2011-02-15T13:36:00.010-05:00

Before I begin this post I want to thank you all once again for hanging with me through all of the sadness. Your comments and encouragement mean so much. Hearing that this blog is helping people - instead of just being self-absorbed and negative, as it sometimes feels to me - is very important. As long as this blog is helping people (myself included), I will continue to write.

I promised to write as soon as I found something positive and, thankfully, I have. So here it is:

I'm back in school now (I took the fall off for my wedding) and this quarter is all about baking. I am quite surprised and very happy to tell you that I think I may love baking more than anything I have ever done in my entire life! For real. I mean, I love to cook and I have always enjoyed baking, but seriously, I'm enjoying this class more than I thought possible.

In the past I've tried to not spend too much time writing about food because I don't want Callapitter to turn into a food blog, but right now my life is kind of food-centric so I may have to go there for a little while. I also don't have a fancy camera and I don't know how to take the beautiful pictures you see in other blogs, but I would like to share a few of the things I've made so far.

I apologize in advance if you're on a low-carb diet, or any kind of diet for that matter.

French Bread

Spritz Cookies

Pecan Sticky Buns

Biscuits (They're heart-shaped because I was practicing at home and didn't have a round biscuit cutter. And it was almost Valentine's Day.)

My favorite so far: Croissants

There is a down-side to all of this baking which is the fact that I've been consuming all of these baked goods almost as fast as I bake them. I haven't stepped anywhere near a scale in the past few weeks, but so far my clothes still fit. I'm sure that soon I will have to take measures to counteract all of the butter and sugar ingestion that's been going on. For now I'm just enjoying the fact that for at least 10 hours a week I'm distracted from my pain and sadness and I'm doing something I enjoy.

My sincere apologies...

2011-02-07T11:55:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am, in fact, still here and I haven't made any decisions to discontinue my blog. I'm sorry I haven't blogged in forever. I know everyone worries when I don't write and I feel very badly about that, but the truth is that I've been a mess lately and I didn't want to write anything that would make people worry more.

I keep thinking that the more time that passes, the easier it gets, right? Unfortunately that hasn't been my experience at all. I don't know why it keeps getting worse, but it does. I just really, really miss them and can't figure out the purpose of my life without them. I mean, I'm a mom without any kids. That kinda makes me, well, nothing - or at least that's how it feels.

I promise that as soon as I feel the slightest bit of positivity creep back into my existence I will blog again. Thank you all for you comments, messages and words of concern. Someday things will be better.

Is it just me...

2010-12-15T15:55:00.003-05:00

or do you so something unusual in this picture too?

At our wedding, Ken and I gave single-use cameras to all of the kids who were there. There were a lot of kids in attendance, mostly Kate and Peter's friends whose parents are our friends, and we were hoping to see what our wedding day was like from their points of view.

They took many, many pictures (over 500) and did a nice job of capturing things we never would have seen otherwise.

Like this.

Just sayin.

Catharsis anyone?

2010-12-10T14:42:00.008-05:00

I wanted to quickly update you all and let you know I've been feeling a little better. I'm not sure exactly what changed, but wearing my Mr. Yuk stickers, carrying my princess wand and forcing myself to get up and moving has helped.

I've also started "managing" my overwhelmingly negative feelings in a way taught to me by my good friend, Kearsty, a few years ago. Back in the day (circa 2007) we were having a conversation in which we were sharing our woes and feeling sorry for ourselves and each other (I have no idea what exactly we were lamenting, though it was most likely related to men) when she shared with me something her mother had taught her.

Kearsty said that when she was having a rough time and began wallowing in self-pity her mom would tell her to take 5 minutes to feel sad, be angry, cry, scream, kick, punch, stomp her feet - to do whatever she needed to do to get it out. She encouraged me, "For 5 minutes, just feel everything you need to feel and feel sorry for yourself if you must. But when those 5 minutes are over, it's time to get on with it. Get up, get moving, get out of that space."

Honestly... it works. Please know that I'm not trying to minimize the intensity of grief, because it's huge and certainly not something you can get over in 5 minutes. But, for me at least, wallowing just isn't helpful. The feelings begin to snowball and eventually get so big that I can't find my way out of them. Feeling them in 5 minute increments is manageable.

If you've read this blog for a while you know that music is very powerful in eliciting my emotions. A couple weeks ago I discovered a song that captures much of what I've been feeling, and makes me cry - no, sob - every time I hear it. So what I've been doing lately is letting myself have that time: I listen to the song, cry and swear and kick and scream, and then I let it pass. I pull myself together and move forward. For a little while, until I need to do it again. Some days I only need to listen to it once, other days I listen to it 10 times.

It's helped. For now I can get through each day. I know many of you who read my blog are grieving too, and this time of year is especially hard. So here's the song. I can't promise you'll have the same experience with it, but give it a try. Listen to it, feel all of your feelings and then do your best to pull yourself together and move forward. Even if it's only for a little while.

Mr. Yuk

2010-12-01T10:36:00.007-05:00

I'm not very good at being a mess. There's this part of me that has decided to not hold it together anymore, the me who wants to shut down and no longer be a functional member of society, but to everyone else I still seem pretty normal. I just can't let myself be a mess. I don't have time, dammit! But I still want to...

This morning I woke up with my to do list in mind. I got as far as making breakfast when I decided that I don't want to do anything on my list - I just want to sit in my pajamas and play Bejeweled Blitz for the next six weeks. (I love that game because while I'm playing my mind is completely focused on the stupid little jewels. I can't think about or feel anything else. It's a HUGE waste of time, but the best escape I've found that doesn't involve any mind-altering substances.) At the moment, I would welcome another Snowpocalypse (did I say that out loud?!) so I'd have a good excuse for doing nothing for a very long time.

The way I feel this morning reminded me of an experience I had about a week before my kids died. I was in a bad mood, feeling sorry for myself (apparently this is a long-standing pattern in my life) because a guy I was dating was being a jerk (or maybe he just wasn't that into me - which, in my mind, makes him a jerk). I felt like I was gonna end up being single and unloved for the rest of my life so I decided to stay in bed and mope. This kills me now because my kids were alive then - they were there with me and I was being selfish. I was taking them for granted and now I would give ANYTHING to have that time with them back and to be focused on them and not on some dude.

Anyway, it was a Sunday...I got up and made breakfast for my kids and told them they could watch as much tv as they wanted because I was going back to bed. Every few minutes, one of them would come into my room and ask for something and I felt like saying, "can't you see I'm trying to be depressed in here?!" I don't think I did, but I really can't remember.

After about 45 minutes of my attempt to block out everything and disappear into my bed, Peter came in and said, "Look, Mama...I'm Mr. Yuk!" and he made this face:

He really did look like Mr. Yuk:

And that was it. The end of my moping and wanting to be a hot mess. I cracked up hysterically and got out of bed, thanks to my little man.

In the most difficult way possible - by losing my kids - I learned a lot from that experience. I know now that nothing is guaranteed. I would honestly do anything to go back and change so much about how I spent the time I had with my kids. I spent so much of that time focused on stupid, non-meaningful things because I took them for granted and just assumed they'd always be here. And they're not. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I can only change how I act from now on. I realize that sitting in my pajamas and playing Bejeweled Blitz for the rest of my life would be a dishonoring of my kids. In order to make their lives mean something I need to take what I've learned from them and use it to be a better person, no matter how much it hurts - because the pain is truly indescribable.

Even though I may not want to, I know I am capable of helping other people and so I must. I also need to be as present as possible and spend all the time I can with the people I love and who love me because, as I mentioned, there are no guarantees. And if possible, I don't want to have anymore regrets.

In a related story, at Kate and Peter's wake and funeral everyone - and I mean EVERYONE (even the priests, nuns and choir) - wore Mr. Yuk stickers in honor of Peter. We also handed out little princess magic wands for people to carry in honor of Kate. So I think for the foreseeable future, at least until I'm out of my current funk, I'm going to wear a Mr. Yuk sticker and carry around my magic wand to remind me that the present is all we have. We need to make the most of it.

I think I'm stuck...

2010-11-29T13:52:00.005-05:00

Yeah, I'm pretty sure of it. I haven't blogged in forever because...well...I'm not sure what to say.

The sadness I feel every day is overwhelming. Usually I'm able to find some sort of perspective or silver lining or SOMETHING positive to say, but not lately. I got nothing.

So I start feeling guilty because I have a lot of good in my life. When I feel this sad it seems like I'm being selfish or ungrateful and not recognizing all that I do have. But honestly, I'm so sad that I don't care.

Then I think about all the people who have gone through similar situations - or even worse - and I realize I'm not the only one. And I feel bad for all that others have or are going through. And then I think "I'm too sad to think about other people". Then I feel like a self-centered bitch.

So this is why I haven't written. I don't want to admit to people that I'm a sad, guilt-ridden, ungrateful, self-centered bitch - especially when I just got married, have wonderful friends and a lot of other good stuff to be grateful for. But there it is. I'm admitting it. I'm a hot mess and I don't care. I tried to hold it together for a really long time, but then decided a few weeks ago that I just didn't want to hold it together anymore.

The only reason I'm writing this is because I had a conversation with someone this morning who reminded me that some people read this blog to "connect" with someone who understands what they're going through, and to maybe feel that what they're experiencing is "normal". I've tried in the past to be as honest and uncensored as possible and to tell it like it is. Today this is how it is. I don't know if it's normal, I just know that it is.

Maybe my admission of stuckfullness (it's not a word, but go with it) will help unstick me. My guess is that now that I've broken the seal, a tidal wave of nasty emotions is going to come forth. Oh well. "Better out than in", right? (I swear I have never really understood that saying, but it seems fitting in this case.)

It's a sad, sad day in Pittsburgh...

2010-11-01T14:24:00.004-04:00

Yesterday a Pittsburgher named Aimee, a wife and mother of two young boys, died after having a stroke. I'd guess she was my age, somewhere in her 30s. It's unfair and awful and I'm having a hard time making any sense of it whatsoever.

I met Aimee once, at a yoga class. She and I both volunteered to help out with yoga for first graders at Kate's school. Her son was in Kate's class.

After my kids died and I started my blog Aimee became a regular reader and commented often. Sometimes she would share stories her son would tell about Kate. Other times she'd offer words of support and encouragement, or tell me how much my journey had impacted her role as a mother. Her words, as do all of the comments on my blog, mean so much to me. I wish I could have done something to help her.

Yesterday, after I'd learned she was in the hospital on life-support, but before I knew she had died, I started reading through her comments. I clicked on her blogger profile link, to learn a little more about her, and saw that she started her own blog. The last post is titled, "I hope I don't die waiting for health-care reform to happen". Please take a moment to read it. She did die. And she didn't have health insurance. And now her two boys are gonna grow up without their Mama.

Please, please pray for her sons and their dad. Please send them all the love you can. If there is anything else that can be done to help, I will let you know. I know her family has to raise money to pay her hospital bills. That's a real kick in the face.

There is one other thing you can do. You can vote tomorrow. Health care reform is one of the hot issues in this election and the only way to make a difference is to vote. Please vote and please remember Aimee.

craziest. dreams. ever.

2010-10-25T10:23:00.003-04:00

I mentioned in my last post that I have been having nightmares about my kids almost every night since I got married. I have seriously had the craziest, most relentless dreams EVER in the past two weeks.

I had one dream in which my kids weren't actually dead, but living secretly with Steve (wtf?!). They had been in the accident and survived, but they sustained major head injuries and were more like walking zombies than kids. I found out that they were living with him and went to see them and they had no idea who I was. That was pretty awful.

In another dream, they hadn't been in the accident at all. I found out it had all been some big mistake and I was indescribably happy and relieved! Then they went to Cleveland (I have no idea why) with some cousins (not real cousins that I have ever met) and died in a car accident on the way. I was like "Are you effing kidding me?!! I just got them back and now they died?!!"

I'm happy to report that FINALLY, last night, I had a dream about them that ended well. It may sound really weird, but there was another "set" of Kate and Peter living with my mom. I don't understand it myself, but I did get to spend time with them and they were exactly like the real Kate and Peter. I played football in the park with Peter and some of his friends, and Peter and Kate were both hanging out with me and Ken.

I don't know why they were living with my mom, but right before I woke up I remember saying to Ken that I thought they should come and live with us next year - like we wanted them to stay where they were for the rest of the school year and start an new school year here. He agreed and I was extremely happy, to say the least. At the very end of my dream I texted my mom (it was obviously a dream because my mom doesn't text) to tell her to tell Kate that I loved her and that she could live with us soon.

Then I woke up.

I have no clue what any of these dreams mean or why exactly I'm having them, but I'm glad last night's dream had a happy ending. It was much easier to start the day feeling like I had just spent time with them :) Maybe something is shifting.

10.10.10

2010-10-15T23:23:00.001-04:00

For the past week I've wanted to write about my wedding, but I've had such an assortment of intense emotions I haven't been able to figure out where to begin. So I'll start at the beginning and if my thoughts are scattered and incoherent, I apologize. It's just not fair to keep you waiting any longer.

When Ken and I decided to get married, we chose the date October 10th - 10/10/10 - for a number of reasons. We thought a fall wedding would be nice, we were able to find available venues for both our wedding and reception even though we planned everything very last-minute, and it's just a cool date - and certainly an easy one to remember. I have to tell you, it really was the perfect day!

The weather was incredible; sunny and warm with a light breeze. The park where we had our ceremony was full of beautiful flowers as well as brightly colored trees and all of our plans came together without a hitch.

We chose to have our ceremony in the Walled Garden in Mellon Park. The Garden has recently been restored as part of a memorial project. The family and friends of Annie Katharine Seamans, a young woman who died in a car accident in 1999, worked with the Pittsburgh Parks Conservancy to complete this project. Annie used to love to spend time in Mellon park, especially to look at the stars at night.

In addition to restoring the Garden's natural charm, the project included an art installation which is indescribably beautiful. Lights have been embedded in the lawn of the garden in the exact pattern of the stars over Pittsburgh on the date Annie was born. You can click on this link to read more about the Garden's restoration. If you live in Pittsburgh I strongly encourage you to check it out.

Ken and I were lucky enough to attend the Walled Garden's reopening and dedication back in June. It was then that we decided we'd like to get married there.

We did a number of things to honor Kate and Peter throughout the day, some of them thanks to suggestions from all of you.

First we included a reading from a book I used to read with the two of them. My good friend, Cindy, who is also Kate's godmother, read "I Love You Because You're You" by Liza Baker. It's basically a cute picture book about the unconditional love between a parent and child, but I think it was quite appropriate for our wedding.

About two weeks before the wedding my friend Jen surprised me with some flowers she had made out of a shirt of Peter's. (Her son is a little bit younger than Peter so she had a few hand-me-downs.) She used the shirt that Peter is wearing in this picture:

I love those flowers (!!!) and our florist, who did an amazing job with only a week's notice, was able to beautifully work the flowers into my bouquet:

Jen was also going to make flowers out of something of Kate's, but instead I asked the florist to wrap the bouquet in some material from a dress Kate wore when she was a flower girl in a wedding 4 years ago. Here's a picture of Kate in that dress:

I loved being able to work something that belonged to each of my kids into my bouquet, which I literally carried around all day. I didn't want to put it down at all... seriously.

I wanted to use butterflies in the wedding somehow, but I wasn't sure about releasing live ones. Instead, my friend Chad, who made our wedding cake, created and placed two butterflies on the cake. He did an amazing job (and I have to add that not only was the cake beautiful, but it was seriously yummy!). It was red velvet with cream cheese frosting - Peter would have been all over that!!

At the last minute I decided I needed to have a picture of my kids somewhere at the wedding, but I wasn't exactly sure where. That morning as I was leaving my house I took one of their pictures off the wall and brought it with me. The catering staff placed it on the table next to the cake. Another friend of mine ran out to a store that morning and found two candles to put next to their picture:

So now that I've given you the overall run-down of the day and how we made my kids a part of it, how do I begin to describe how it felt? That's the hard part.

Honestly, I couldn't let myself feel everything that day. If I was gonna make it through the day with some semblance of composure, I had to disconnect a little. I did my best to be in the moment and take it all in - especially when it came to feeling the love between Ken and me and the love and support of our families and friends - but I couldn't think about how much I wished my kids were there or how sad I was that they weren't.

I wish I had some incredible story about how I felt them with me all day or that there had been a rainbow or something, but I don't. I did my best to be present and I'm sure they were with me in spirit, but unfortunately I didn't really "feel"them.

I did have one moment where I stepped into a room by myself and asked them to give me something - anything - some kind of sign or wisdom or assurance that they were there. At that point the words "this is a new beginning, Mama" popped into my head.

It's so hard to explain the feelings I had that day without writing an entire book (this is the longest blog post ever!). On the one hand I felt so incredibly happy and in love and excited to be marrying Ken, who I love with all my heart. For days afterward I walked around with my head in the clouds, feeling like I was on a honeymoon even though we didn't go anywhere.

On the other hand, however, I felt a sadness that I now realize will never lessen or go away. I have had nightmares about my kids almost every night since, including my wedding night. I dream they're missing or severely injured or that they don't know who I am. It's awful. It's almost like my happiness during the day has to be balanced out by sadness and horror at night. I guess that's just how it is and how it will be.

This picture, taken by our photographer, sums it up - the bittersweetness of it all:

What I just realized is that even though the picture is both happy and sad, it's truly all about love. And as far as I'm concerned love is far stronger than death.

Octagon crackers...

2010-09-28T20:33:00.005-04:00

I'm sitting here eating some soup, because it's a soup-eating kind of day, and wishing I had some crackers to throw in my bowl. Any crackers would be good, though I would prefer some oyster crackers - or octagon crackers, as Peter called them.

As you may know from previous posts, Peter ate predominantly beige food, and crackers were one of his favorites. Most of the time he asked for crackers with cream cheese (they're pretty good if you've never tried them, though they're far from a healthy snack) or crackers with peanut butter and marshmallow fluff (in which case he ate only the marshmallow and nothing else) but he also loved munching on octagon crackers. I think he started eating them when he was one or two because they're little and easy to pick up and as far back as I can remember he referred to them only as octagon crackers. I think oyster crackers more closely resemble hexagons, but how a two-year-old knows what an octagon is I will never know.

For some reason he was pretty knowledgeable about shapes. I know he had a Diego game for his Leapster that taught him about shapes, but still - we would be out somewhere and he'd say, "look Mama, a semi-circle" or he'd rearrange his half-eaten toast (another beige favorite) to show me what a parallelogram looked like. I honestly can't tell you what's normal for a two, three or four-year old, but he always amazed me...

Treehouse update:

2010-09-27T21:51:00.003-04:00

Since the public meeting about Kate and Peter's Treehouse back in June, planning has slowed down quite a bit. The Parks Conservancy is in the process of updating it's Regional Parks Master Plan and part of that process includes looking at many possible sites for the Treehouse. Once the Master Plan is complete we will attempt to resume planning.

This Saturday, October 2nd, there will be another public meeting at 9:00 am at Colfax Elementary School. At 10:45, following an overview and dialogue about Frick Park's current and future needs, the meeting will move into the park itself. Four possible sites for the Treehouse will be examined during this outdoor workshop.

If you feel strongly about Frick Park and Kate and Peter's Treehouse and you are available this Saturday morning, please come to this meeting. The Parks Conservancy needs as much feedback as possible before we continue to move forward. Click here to RSVP and reserve a spot. Hope to see you there!

What can I write that I haven't already written?

2010-09-27T10:58:00.006-04:00

Everyday is basically the same. I experience same crazy kaleidoscope of emotions with slight variations in order and intensity, but really - they're the same.

I still wake up every morning and think, "Wait...what? My kids are dead?" as I wrote many months ago. That's usually followed by my best attempt at denial and disbelief after which I inevitably move into a state of confusion and anger.

Lately I've found myself asking my friends, "Were they real? Were they really here? Are you sure?!" It's been so long since I've seen or held or talked to my kids that it doesn't seem as if they could have been real.

And I fear that I'm forgetting. That's awful.

So I sit down to blog and think, "I've already said all of this." It really is the same same shit, different day scenario. And it's getting old. Real old.

This is the point at which I wish and hope and pray that maybe this is a game and someone is gonna come down form the heavens and say, "Ok, you've done enough. You've lasted a year and a half without them, you've proved your strength and now you can have your kids back." It's completely delusional, but I don't care. I want them back.

I know you've read all of this before which is why I haven't written lately. I don't want to subject you to the same posts over and over and over again. But I guess this blog is supposed to be my journey and, unfortunately, this is it.

I'm guessing that other parents who have lost children feel the same way. I'm also guessing that this is pretty much how we're gonna feel forever.

I try really hard to experience joy and happiness in my life. And I do sometimes, really. I mean, in less than two weeks I get to marry a wonderful and amazing man, who I love very much. That's exciting! It gives me hope for the future and brings me joy! Unfortunately, that hope and joy is matched by an equal amount of sadness and guilt.

I know that it's ok to be happy. I know my kids would want me to be happy. I also know that it will never feel right to be happy when my kids are dead. It just won't. And that's the way it is.

As I'm typing I'm thinking that maybe I need to stop judging my emotions as good or bad. I'll try to take a more Buddhist approach and experience them as they come without attaching a value to them. If I'm sad I'm sad. If I'm happy, so be it. It just is. I'll see how that goes.

I have about 300,000 things to do in the next two weeks, for which I'm actually thankful. I'm looking forward to this new stage of my life. So I'm gonna go get started. I'll do my best to keep writing - happy or sad - and let you know what's going on. As always, thank you for reading and commenting and praying and sending love. It helps more than you could ever know.

I can't find the words...

2010-09-14T23:21:00.002-04:00

Last time I wrote I was getting ready to embark on a nearly week-long camping trip with Ken and some friends. Well, that trip came and went and was both fun and challenging. On our way home I was looking through the pictures I took and thinking about what I wanted to write about my experience.

We went camping somewhere north of Toronto and the only way to get there from Pittsburgh is by driving through Buffalo. We had to drive by the site of the accident (mile 476.9 on I-90 Eastbound) on the way up and the way home. On the way to Canada I was, as always, very emotional as we drove by and had nightmares and panic attacks while trying to sleep that night. But I got through it.

On the way home, I tweeted as we drove by that particular spot, "Just passed mile 476.9 on the NY State Thruway. Again. Ugh."

Within a minute or two traffic stopped completely. We were stopped for over an hour. People got out of their cars and walked around, talking about what the hold up might be. Kids were playing in the grass. Helicopters were flying overhead. I knew it wasn't good. We heard there was an accident about a mile and a half ahead.

Traffic started to move again eventually. We passed a badly damaged van that had gone off the road and hit a tree. I immediately starting searching the internet to find out what had happened.

This is what I found: Another car went off the road and two people died. Same town. Same road. Opposite direction.

The investigator named in the article is the same man I spoke with after my kids died. It's too weird.

Since I saw this, I am plagued with so many questions. Why? How? Why was I so close when this happened? (we weren't supposed to come home until the following day, but cut our trip short because of bad weather) What does it all mean? How are people completely fine one minute and dead the next? I just don't get it.

I have no words anymore. I feel like whatever I have to say - about my camping trip or school or my wedding - doesn't matter. I mean, people died. Again. I am stunned.

I didn't see the car my kids died in. I was somewhat removed from the situation by space and time. By the time I could get there it was all cleaned up.

Seeing the scene of an accident where people just died, in such a similar circumstance, has completely freaked me out. I don't know what to say.

So sorry...

2010-08-30T09:55:00.004-04:00

I apologize that I haven't written in such a long time!! Life has been unbelievably busy lately - I'm trying to keep up with school, working on starting my own personal chef business and planning my wedding - plus I've been really, really sad.

I do want to thank everyone who commented on my last post with suggestions for my wedding!! There were so many great ideas and I'm still figuring out which ones I want to use and which ones will fit into our small little ceremony.

Butterflies were a huge theme in the comments and continue to be a huge theme in my life (I'm working on a post about that) so I'd like to work them in somewhere. I'm not too keen on releasing real butterflies because I feel bad about keeping them all cooped up before releasing them (I'm a bit of a freak when I comes to animals). Also, October is a little late in the year for butterflies. However, I may ask the pastry chef who's making my cake if he can decorate the cake with butterflies.

I also loved the idea of including a passage from one of my kids' favorite books as a reading in the ceremony, so I'm working on finding an appropriate book. Peter's most recent favorite book was "Wacky Wednesday" and Kate was into "One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish" so that makes it challenging. I still have a bunch of Todd Parr and Mo Willems books to look through so I'm thinking there's a good chance I'll find something. It is incredibly hard to read all of those books without them, but I know I can do it.

Thank you again for all of the suggestions! I'm still considering pansies and pictures and many of the other ideas you all came up with. I'll let you know what I finally decide on. And I'll try my best to write more often when things calm down a bit. This school quarter ends September 15th (can't wait!!!) so that should free up some time.

This week Ken and I are going to Algonquin Provincal Park in Canada for a few days of canoeing and backcountry camping. I don't think I've ever really camped - like in a tent where there are no real bathrooms or showers or cell phone towers. I'm super excited to be that close to nature and see wildlife up close, but I'm also scared out of my mind that I won't be able to pee, or let's face it - poo, for five days. I mean, I'm not real good at squatting behind a bush. Ewww.

It should be interesting and I'm sure I'll have much to tell you about that experience.

I need your help...

2010-08-17T08:07:00.001-04:00

Ken and I have been working hard on planning our wedding. I have my dress, the invitations have been sent out and the big day is less than two months away. Obviously, we've opted for a short engagement. The way I see it, we know we want to get married to let's just get on with it already :)

Here's where I need your help...
We're planning the ceremony ourselves. It's going to be fairly short and simple - outdoors, in a park on what will hopefully be a beautiful fall day. We've got most of it figured out. We've selected some readings and chosen our vows. One of Ken's best friends is going to be our officiant, which I think is great. What we're having a difficult time conceptualizing is how to somehow include Kate and Peter in the ceremony.

I always imagined my kids would be at my wedding. Even 4 years ago, soon after Steve and I separated, I had an intuitive feeling I'd be 35 when I got married again, which I am, and that they would be 8 and 6, which they would have been. I could see Kate in a beautiful white dress with long, flowing curls and Peter in a little tux - even though no one else will be wearing a tux. Sadly, that's not how it will be and I have a hard time envisioning that day without them. The thought of it always reduces me to tears.

So I have to find a way to recognize them and honor their spirits. I know they will be on every one's minds, so I want to do something that's as positive as possible, not something to just make everybody sad. But what?! I have no idea.

I spoke with one wedding officiant who told me that most people pause for a moment of silence at the beginning of the ceremony to remember those who are not there. Unfortunately, that just won't cut it. I need something more - more personal, more special, more them! I've thought about having Kate and Peter's friends do something (many of them will be there), but again, I don't know what. Any ideas or suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated!!!

While I'm beyond excited for our wedding I know that it will simultaneously be one of the happiest and saddest days ever. Obviously, I'm overjoyed at the idea of marrying Ken and I can't wait to begin our lives together. At the same time, I think it really will be hard to get through the day knowing my kids aren't physically there. I know they will be there in spirit and I hope and pray they will feel how much they are loved and missed by everyone who will be in attendance.

Persistence and pansies...

2010-08-08T21:25:00.001-04:00

The cloud of sadness seems to have dissipated slightly, though it's still here. Thank you all, once again, for your kind comments and words of encouragement. It is so helpful to know that even when I'm home alone, feeling intensely despondent, I'm really not alone...that caring friends and strangers are, for some reason, willing to go through this hell with me. I don't know why you're all still reading, but I'm sure glad you are.

Since Tuesday night, when the cloud arrived, I've managed to make it through each day, trying to be as productive as possible, but it hasn't been easy. I just can't shake it this time. In the past I've been able to distract myself by staying busy, but for the past few days I feel like I've had to reach into the depths of my being to find strength I don't even think is there. It's like everything I do takes so much energy and everything I see or hear makes me even more sad. But I have no choice - so I just keep going, hoping that this too will pass...or at least get easier.

While I actually have a moment to sit down and write I would like to share one little story that brings a smile to my face when I think about it. It has to do with perennial pansies growing in front of my house.

Let me begin by saying that I am the farthest thing from a gardener. I generally feel that I don't have time to deal with my yard so I cut my grass and call it a day. When I do try to plant things they usually die so I don't plant things.

Two years ago, in April of 2008, I was getting my house ready for Peter's birthday. I knew a lot of people from out of town would be stopping by, so I wanted my yard to at least be presentable. We're not talking about any kind of real landscaping, but I did trim my hedges, put some mulch down and attempt to plant a few flowers.

I have two planters in front of my house so one day while Kate was in Kindergarten, Peter and I went to Home Depot to pick out some flowers. As I said, I know nothing about flowers so I thought I'd let Peter pick some out. It wasn't a big deal to him, but he happily chose some yellow pansies. So together Kate, Peter and I put them in the planters where they survived until the fall when it got cold. I was amazed that they actually survived through the summer.

Then last spring came (2009) and I definitely didn't feel like planting anything (though, thankfully, sometime in mid-June a bunch of friends came over and helped me with me yard). However, one day in early June I noticed two little yellow pansies growing in between the bricks of my front walk. As I mentioned, I know very little about flowers, but I do know that pansies are annuals, not perennials. They were so sweet. They grew there all summer and were still blooming when I came home from Italy in November. I know they're not much, but to me they felt like a little gift from my kids.

This spring rolled around and I wondered if the pansies would come back, though I doubted it. Nope, nothing but dandelions this year...until two weeks ago, when two yellow pansies popped up on the other side of my walk. One day they weren't there, the next day they were. Thank you, Peter and Kate! I needed that.

(and, as you can see - I haven't done anything about the weeds this year)

Some days I just can't deal...

2010-08-03T19:50:00.003-04:00

and today is one of those days :(

I mean, I'm having a hard enough time keeping up with everything going on in my life, as I mentioned in my last post. I actually got so overwhelmed with my to-do list that I completely wigged out yesterday and went to a yoga class instead of going to school. Honestly, it was the best decision I've made in a while. After I did the whole downward dog - legs up the wall - ohm - namaste extended dance remix (I'm talking about yoga people, not sex - I swear) and I felt all chilled out and grounded, I got a lot of stuff done for a change!

But because I still have 999,984 things to do I was trying my best to have another productive day today. I was just doing my thing, getting ready to dive into some homework when sometime around 4:30 this giant cloud of sadness enveloped me and sucked out all of my drive and motivation and even my desire to keep breathing. I don't know where it came from, but all of a sudden it was there. And it won't go away. I hate it! Fuck you, stupid sadness!!!

Now I'm useless. I feel so empty that I can't even feel the emptiness anymore, not that that makes any sense. It's a scary empty feeling. Maybe I can't feel it because I'm afraid of it. I know I'm afraid to start crying because I may never stop.

Let me just say this please...I want my kids back!!! I know I feel them with me a lot of the time, but I want them back the regular way. I want to take them swimming and to Kennywood and I want to hear them fight with each other and say, "Mama, he/she won't leave me alone!" I want to complain that summer is too long and I can't wait for school to start because we're all stir crazy! But I can't!!

Then I think, 'well, I'm getting married again. I could have more kids.' BUT I DON'T WANT MORE KIDS, I WANT MY KIDS, DAMMIT!!!!!! I don't want to move on or move forward I just want my old life back the way it was, with all it's imperfections and my amazing, beautiful, wonderful kids. I would do anything. I mean it.

I could sit here and kick and scream and cry and swear and bargain with the universe all day, but it gets me nowhere. It won't bring them back. Nothing will. Fuck.

So what to do now? That is the question.

I guess I'll try to use my superhuman coping skills to stuff my feelings somewhere and tell the cloud of sadness where to stick it. I mean, I gotta do my homework eventually. I'm guessing that skipping two classes in a row would be frowned upon.

But really, who gives a shit about homework? In the big scheme of things it doesn't really matter. Maybe I'll just go to bed early and explain to my instructor why I didn't get my homework done. I'm sure he'll understand. I think. Oh, who cares.

Goodnight.

so many thoughts, so little time...

2010-08-01T12:48:00.003-04:00

So much going on. So busy. So tired. So much to write about.

So, I write nothing at all.

This is me. This is how I've always been. When I get overwhelmed and have too much to do, I do nothing. Well, I shouldn't say nothing. But instead of attacking my 16 page to-do list I bake cookies or do some online shopping or spend three hours playing Unblock Me on my phone.

I realize my behavior isn't rational, but it's what I do. At least until I'm forced, by some sort of deadline, to actually get things done.

In the past couple of weeks I've had so much I've wanted to write about: how the lobster massacre at school nearly turned me into a vegetarian, how perennial pansies are growing in front of my house and how planning my wedding is simultaneously the most fun and exciting yet saddest thing I've ever done.

I promise, as soon as I can slow myself down enough to stick with one storyline at a time I will write and share. Until then...I'm gonna go play Family Feud on Facebook. Trouble.

Letting go, a little bit...

2010-07-27T18:23:00.007-04:00

Today I decided I needed to do some cleaning. Not only is my house not yet on the market, it's no more ready than it was 6 months ago. I need to get moving if I ever want to move. Hah.

I have no place to put things anymore, especially in my kitchen where I spend most of my time. I recognize I need to get rid of the things I don't use anymore, before someone puts me on that show about hoarders.

A few months ago I told you about all the snacks I bought my kids right before they died and how they were still in my pantry and how I was never gonna get rid of them. Well, I decided to it's time.

I guess I've realized that material things, for the most part, do not make me feel any closer to my kids. There are certainly some things - special clothes and toys of theirs - which evoke specific memories that I will hold onto as long as possible. And I will never get rid of any of their artwork. But snacks, well...

....they had to go.

I did take a picture first:

My mom gave me one of those Keurig coffee makers in early 2009 and sent some Hot Cocoa K-cups for Kate and Peter. The marshmallows in the picture were one of Peter's favorite things. He would ask for marshmallows in his cocoa, eat them all, then ask for more. He never drank his cocoa. It was merely a vehicle to bring the marshmallows closer to his mouth.

The aforementioned Pirate's Booty is not in the picture because earlier in the day today I thought maybe I'd eat some of it. It was in a sealed foil-ish bag so I thought it could still taste ok, right? Yeah, no. It tasted a little like styrofoam peanuts, or at least what I think styrofoam peanuts would taste like. So I threw it out.

I did hang onto one box of cereal:

A Walk in The Woods...

2010-07-21T15:08:00.002-04:00

This is super-late notice, but if you're not busy tonight and you want to learn more about Frick Park and the update to the parks Master Plan, come to the Parks Conservancy's Walk in the Woods. We will meet at 6:30 at the Frick Environmental Center.

The walk will be led by members of the team working on the Regional Parks Master Plan. They'll discuss the issues facing the park and gather feedback from those who attend. Hope to see some people there! Sorry again for the late, late notice!

Closer than ever...

2010-07-18T16:30:00.018-04:00

Lately, I swear, my kids have felt closer than ever. Since I got back from Vermont I feel like they're with me, right next to me, so often - it's been great!

Have you ever been really close to someone physically - like hugging someone, for example - and even though you're touching them, you feel like you can't get close to them? It's like there's an invisible wall separating you from the other person. Maybe I'm just weird, but I have experienced that many times.

Anyway, this is the complete opposite! Physically, my kids aren't here, but they feel extremely close. As close as I've ever been to anyone. Almost like they're a part of me.

This isn't a constant phenomenon, but lately it's happening more often. And I think I may have figured out why.

When I was in Italy, one of my roommates, who's a good friend of mine, explained to me that sometimes she can see or hear spirits. It's not something she can do all the time, but it has happened. A few days into our trip she told me she needed to talk to me, but she was a little nervous I might think what she had to say was crazy. I told her not to worry about that, I've said my fair share of crazy things. This is what she told me, through tears as it was such an intense emotional experience:

She said, "Your kids are here - I know it. I can feel them, but they're afraid to get close to you because they don't want to set you back in your grieving process. They want to be close to you, but they don't want to hurt you."

At the time I did my best to try to understand what she was saying, but I didn't totally get it. Last week I think I finally figured it out: when my kids are close, I feel more sad and emotional than I do when they're further away. It's not that I miss them any less any other time, but when they're close I can feel them and the love between us and I get sad and emotional because I want them back, the way they used to be. So then they back off. Finally, what my friend said to me 9 months ago makes sense!

After figuring this out I "told" them that I want them to stay close to me and I can deal with the sadness. It went something like this, "I know I look really upset when you're near me and I'm crying, but I'm tough and I can handle the sadness. I'd love for you guys to be close to me and I don't want you to think you're making me cry. Really, I don't mind crying if it means I get to be near you guys!"

That "conversation" must have done something because now I feel them a lot more often, no lie.

Yesterday, I was trying to get a bunch of stuff done around my house and I felt Kate with me for most of the day. It's weird how sometimes I feel one or the other of them and sometimes they're both here. I think that's how I know I'm not making this up, because if I was I'd want them both here 24/7.

I was getting ready to go out last night while listening to Kate's Pandora station. I asked Kate if she could maybe "choose" an appropriate song (like she has magical Pandora powers - who knows?) and this is what I got:

I posted the version with the lyrics because, when you really pay attention to what the song is saying, it's is so obvious that this was something from my kids. Immediately when the song started I could feel both of them. I was completely blown away! And it didn't stop there - the music montage continued: the next song was "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" followed by "Best of Both Worlds" then "Hey, Soul Sister" and "Live Like We're Dying". I'm not making this up. Seriously.

They're here. I know it!

The vacation is over...

2010-07-13T18:35:00.011-04:00

...so it's back to the kitchen!

My break from school has ended so I started my new culinary class yesterday, American Regional Cooking. So far it seems pretty cool. We get to learn about the different regions of the United States and their native cuisines - like Cajun and Creole, Tex Mex and something called Floribbean Cuisine, which I just think is fun to say. We're starting with New England and the Mid-Atlantic states so for the next two weeks I get to make and eat seafood. Yum!

I really did enjoy my break and had some time to unplug, relax and sleep. I wasn't real productive on my home projects, but I guess productivity isn't one of my strong suits. Oh well.

Ken and I had a great road trip to Vermont. We stayed with my aunt and cousin who I haven't seen in ten years so it was awesome to reconnect with them. We hiked up giant mountains, we swam in waterfalls and ate and drank tons of great food and wine. It was truly wonderful!

And now for the new and exciting, secret information I promised...

Ken and I are engaged!

The day after we got to Vermont we hiked to the top of the Camel's Hump, which is the third highest mountain in the state. It was not an easy hike. It took about 3 hours to hike 3.4 miles up some pretty challenging terrain, and let me tell you, I'm not in good shape.

When we embarked on our hike the skies were overcast and there was some occasional drizzle. The temperature was somewhere in the low to mid-50s. As we hiked, it started to rain harder and harder and got colder and windier. By the time we reached the summit it had to have been in the low 4os and it was extremely windy. The view is supposed to be amazing, but unfortunately all we could see were clouds :(

Nevertheless, we sat down to eat some lunch and Ken handed me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and said, "hey, what's that under your sandwich?" It was a ring :) He then asked me if I would marry him, to which I replied, "Yes...if you get me off this mountain!" Honestly, I was overjoyed by his proposal. I was just cold and wet and tired.

Here's a picture he took of us on the summit after he proposed:

After we got down from the mountain, which was actually much harder than going up, we cleaned up and went out for a nice dinner. On the way to the restaurant we saw a rainbow, which I have no doubt was a sign of Kate and Peter's approval and happiness.

And here's a Kate story that now I feel I can share:

The weekend before the accident, we were reading a bedtime story when, out of the blue, Kate said, "Mama, I know who you're gonna marry."

I said, "Who?" and she replied, "Ken".

At the time, Ken and I weren't dating. We had dated before but decided we would just be friends, and I was dating someone else. I knew Kate (and Peter) loved Ken so I thought she was just being sweet and putting in her vote for who she thought I should marry. I told her as much, really thinking that Ken and I probably wouldn't get back together. But, as usual, my kids are far wiser than I am and she was right! I know, for sure, she is smiling about the fact that we really are getting married. And so am I.

The Profundity of Mario Kart...

2010-06-27T22:26:00.004-04:00

I know I said I was taking a break, but I felt this was important enough to document - not just so I could share it, but also so I'll remember it. Let me also preface this post by saying that if you don't already think I'm crazy, you may soon. Oh well...there are worse things in life than being crazy.

So Friday night I was driving down my street when a bunny ran out in front of me. I had no time at all to slow down or swerve so I ran over the bunny. This was extremely upsetting. So upsetting, in fact, that even though this occurred on my street two full days ago I have now found two other ways to get out of my neighborhood without driving past the scene of this tragedy. I just don't do well with dead animals. In my almost 20 years of driving I have only hit one other rabbit and one raccoon, and cried profusely after both incidents.

Hitting this rabbit Friday night really set me off. First I was just sad about the rabbit, but then I started thinking about how lucky the rabbit was because it didn't have to be here anymore and would maybe get to go be where my kids are. (I told you that you were gonna think I was crazy...and I haven't even gotten to the crazy part yet.) That started me on this whole life and death thing, then one thing led to another and, before long, I was wishing I could go the way of the rabbit so I could be with my kids again. (I swear I am not suicidal, I'm just sayin.)

This is where the crazy comes in: as soon as I thought that - you know, the whole wishing I was dead so I could be with my kids thing - I felt Peter say to me, "You don't understand, Mama. It's not like we're in a different place than you. It's just a different sort of reality. We're right here, you just don't see us."

My reply to him was, "No kidding, I don't understand! I need you to help me understand!! I WANT to be able to see you and know you're right here, but I can't!"

Peter then said, "Well... it's sorta like Mario Kart. Ya' know how when we used to play Mario Kart all the time we were characters in the game, driving inside the TV, but we were actually still in the living room? Life on Earth is kinda like that. Even though you're 'in the game' you're still with us, here."

This completely confused me because I don't understand where "here" is or what he could have meant by that. I then felt like Peter could sense my confusion so he said, "You have to unlearn everything you know about reality". And that was that.

I'm telling you, I am not making this up. I know these thoughts did not originate in my brain. Even though I didn't audibly hear Peter, I felt him and I know he said these things to me.

So now I'm trying to figure out how to unlearn things. None of this makes much sense to me now but maybe someday it will. If anyone has any thoughts, aside from an evaluation of my mental state, I'd love to hear them.

On a side note, Peter and I loved to play Mario Kart together. He got a Wii for his 4th birthday and we spent many late nights playing that game during the summer of 2008. He was really good at it and together we finished the game pretty quickly. I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but one night after he and Kate went to bed I played for a couple of hours by myself. After unlocking some cool new boards I actually went into his room at 11:30pm and woke him up because I wanted to show him. He happily got up and played for another hour before going back to bed. Can't believe I did that, but, hey, it was summer. We could sleep in.

It's been a very long time since I've "heard" from either Peter or Kate, so that in and of itself was a good thing. I have a few preliminary theories on what he could have meant, but nothing I can put into words just yet. If I figure anything out I'll be sure to let you know...if you're still reading.

takin' a break...

2010-06-24T13:09:00.003-04:00

I've got three weeks off from school before I start my next class which is awesome. It's been so nice to not have to get up at 5am and to be able to catch up on some of the things I let slide while I was focusing on finals. Next week Ken and I are going to Vermont to visit family and enjoy some much needed down-time communing with nature. Can't wait!

You probably won't hear much from me in the next couple of weeks so I wanted to let everyone know ahead of time that I'm ok, just taking a break. I promise to be back soon...and hopefully with some new and exciting, though currently secret information. ;)

And...it's over!

2010-06-18T15:14:00.004-04:00

I'm done! Hallelujah!!! Despite all my stress, or maybe because of it, my final went very well. I finished 15 minutes early, didn't burn my croutons and got an A. Most importantly, I had fun. Thank you all for your words of encouragement and well-wishes.

As hokey as this may sound, I did feel like I had a little help. On my way across the Smithfield Street Bridge this morning, at a seriously ungodly hour, I asked my kids to go into this final with me and help me out. I told Peter I needed help making things taste good (almost everything I cooked was beige and that's the only color Peter ate :) and I asked Kate for help with the presentation. Plating food is very difficult for me because I do not have an artistic bone in my body, nor am I a visual person - however Kate is an artist so I asked her to hook me up. And while I was asking for favors I also made a small request that maybe they could slow down time so I wouldn't have to rush. I mean...who knows, maybe where they are they have superpowers?

The food was pretty tasty, though I tend to be a chronic under-salter because I'm afraid of adding too much salt. Thankfully, that's an easy fix. I didn't take a picture of my final plate (kinda wish I had) but I have to tell you that it looked really good. Thank you, Kate. I'm pretty sure the credit for that one goes to you.

I'm off to relax, enjoy my weekend and get moving on my house-packing/fixing-up projects. Tonight I'll be heading to the Friends of the Riverfront's 2010 Trail Mix(er), where I will be sure to get my drink on. It sounds like a good time, it benefits a good cause and it's a truly gorgeous day in Pittsburgh so I'm psyched! If anyone else is going, come find me - I'd love to chat. I hope you all have a great weekend, I know I will!

finals schminals...

2010-06-17T17:13:00.008-04:00

I'm in the midst of finals week which is why you haven't heard from me in a while. My written final is over (I think it went well) and my practical final is tomorrow. And I am stressin'!

We have 2 1/2 hours to make a three-course meal, which doesn't sound like that much but, trust me, it is. We have to make Beef Vegetable Soup, Caesar Salad with Garlic Croutons, Boneless Chicken Legs stuffed with a Mushroom Stuffing, Sauteed French Chicken Breasts, Mushroom Sauce, Duchess Potatoes (which are like mashed potatoes piped into little towers and baked) and - wait for it - TOURNEED carrots, zucchini and squash. Ugh. You knew the tournee had to be in there somewhere.

I practiced at home yesterday (for the bazillionth time) and finished in 2 hours and 26 minutes - but that was in my tiny little kitchen. And I burned the croutons :( Poor Ken has had enough stuffed chicken and Duchess potatoes to last him a lifetime, and I'm pretty sure that after this final, I'll never make these things again.

Here's a picture (it doesn't look all that exciting on my not-so-fancy Fiestaware):

So I keep asking myself, "why am I so stressed?" I mean, who cares how I do on this final? It's not like people won't eat my food if I didn't get an A on one exam. I think I've done pretty well in the class so far. I bet that even if I didn't show up tomorrow, I'd probably pass. Why the big deal? And really, who even cares if I pass? I'm just doing this for the learning experience - not for a degree.

I'm gonna do my best in the next few hours to shift my focus from the stress of earning a grade to the importance of enjoying the experience. I love to cook so this should be fun. And it can be if I let it.

But there's this perfectionistic side of me that wants to do everything right, even when I know it doesn't matter in the big scheme of things. I guess this experience is not just about learning how to cook, but instead about learning how to live life.

So here it is, my mantra for the next 18 hours: have fun, it's not about the grade....have fun, it's not about the grade. At exactly noon tomorrow my mantra will shift to: I need a drink, where can I get a drink ;)

It will be great to have some time off to relax, cook the things I want to and NOT TOURNEE anything for a very long time.

Happy Birthday, Little Worm...

2010-06-10T14:06:00.001-04:00

Today is Kate's 8th birthday. "Little Worm" is what I always called her. That nickname began when she was a baby all swaddled in a blanket. She used to squirm a lot so I started calling her Squirmy Wormie which then turned into Wormie and finally Little Worm. She didn't mind, in fact she actually liked it. That's what I called her every day, and I still do.

Kate is an amazing and wonderful soul. She was born that way, I didn't have much to do with it. She was easy-going, fun-loving and she really cared about other people. Like really cared. If someone was being treated unfairly at school, it bothered her a lot. She wanted to stick up for people and for herself, when the need arose, but, like me, she wasn't the most assertive - possibly because she always wanted to make people happy and avoid conflict.

She spent so much time drawing pictures for people, making cards for people and just doing little things to make other people smile. She was constantly writing notes to her friends and me, Steve and Peter, telling everyone how much she loved them. For the most part, she took care of me every bit as much as I took care of her. I distinctly remember one day when she was two and I was having a really hard time. I had just figured out the truth about Steve and was trying to figure out how I was going to handle being a single mother with a 2 year-old a 10 month-old and no job. I was sitting on Kate's little Dora the Explorer couch crying when she took my hand and said "Mama, it's gonna be ok". I remember thinking, "I'm the parent and you're the child - you're not supposed to be taking care of me". But she was. And she continued to love me, Peter and Steve unconditionally.

I miss her so much it's, at this point, nearly unbearable. I wanted to use this post to tell everyone about all of her wonderful qualities and what made Kate Kate, but I'm just sitting here crying. I can't find the words to even begin to illustrate her amazing personality.

So, because I can't seem to write real coherently right now, here are some pictures from each of the 6 birthdays I got to spend with you and also the day she was born:

Katherine Noelle Ambrusko
June 10, 2002

On her first birthday at our home in Buffalo, sitting on the previously mentioned Dora couch.

Her 2nd birthday party was at Chuck E. Cheese days before we moved to Pittsuburgh.

For her 3rd birthday we met some friends at the Children's Musem.

Love the sunglasses...

Her 4th birthday party involved strawberry picking and a hay ride and a farm north of Pittsburgh. It was a great time. Unfortunately, I decided to buy those candles that don't blow out and she was pretty disappointed when she couldn't blow them out. I still feel bad about that one.

For Kate's 5th birthday Steve and I planned a surprise trip to Disney World. Kate and Peter both had a blast and I'm so glad we had the opportunity to take them.

As an extra birthday treat I took Kate to the Bibbity Bobbity Boutique where she was made up like a princess, complete with hair extensions and glitta. She loved it.

And here she is on her 6th birthday. We had a magician come to our house and she, Peter and her friends had a wonderful time.

I hope wherever she is right now she's being celebrated and surrounded by love.

Happy birthday, Kate. I love you.

The Treehouse Meeting - a quick update

2010-06-08T11:25:00.004-04:00

Though I haven't had time to fully process all that was said at last night's Regent Square Civic Association meeting, I want to share my initial thoughts because I know everyone is curious.

Overall, I think the meeting went very well. I was very nervous going into it, having no idea what people might say. The Parks Conservancy did a great job of explaining it's role in the parks and presenting information about Kate and Peter's project. The meeting was well attended and it seemed as if everyone who wanted to was able to ask questions or share their comments.

I felt that, generally, everyone who spoke was honest and respectful. People spoke from their hearts and I did my absolute best to listen and hear everything that was said. There was a lot of support as well as opposition for placing the treehouse in Turtle Park, though I use the term opposition lightly because it did seem that most residents were not necessarily opposed to the treehouse, but rather concerned with what impact this location might have on their neighborhood.

In my opinion, the overwhelming concerns revolved around traffic and parking. I think before we can decide the most appropriate location for the treehouse, we need to examine the impact this project will have on traffic and parking and if anything can be done to rectify the situation. Who knows, maybe by addressing these issues as part of the development of the treehouse we could actually make changes that improve traffic and parking for this community? I think it's possible it could be a win-win situation, and everyone could benefit. But that remains to be seen and certainly, at this point no decisions have been made.

It also seemed clear that many of the traffic issues are in no way related to the treehouse and are city issues that need to be dealt with regardless of the location of this project. As one man said toward the close of the meeting, "not building this treehouse will not fix these problems". It's true, these issues are far bigger than the treehouse.

I promise that as I have time to digest the information shared at the meeting and talk with the other parties involved I will update you on the specifics and what the next steps will be. For now, I just want to thank everyone who was there last night. Thank you for being there to support me, to support this project and to speak out for a neighborhood that you love. I think only good things will come from this and I'm so glad everyone had an opportunity to say what they needed to say.

still swimming, thanks to all of you...

2010-06-04T15:13:00.003-04:00

I'm still sort of in a fog of shock, confusion and sadness, but thanks to all of you I'm feeling a little less crazy and a lot less alone. I thank you all for you comments, emails and Facebook messages letting me know that you're all right here with me in the middle of this icky horribleness. The strength you all have given me through your kindness, compassion and love has helped me make it through a few more days. Sincerely, thank you.

I just want to quickly remind everyone about Monday's community meeting regarding Kate and Peter's Treehouse. It's at 6pm at the Wilkins School Community Center located at 7604 Charleston Ave in Regent Square (15218). I know many of you will be there and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your support. I'm truly looking forward to this meeting and think it will be a great opportunity to hear what everyone in the community has to say so that we can move ahead with this project in the most positive way possible.

Please be ready to not only share your point of view if you feel so inclined, but to also listen to the suggestions of others. I believe the only way this meeting will be productive is if we all listen to each other - and allow ourselves to hear each other, if you know what I mean. I think if we can understand why people are concerned about this treehouse as well as why people support it we will be able to do what is best for the whole community. I know that's what Kate and Peter would want so that's what I want too.

I look forward to seeing you all there and meeting some of you I have not met before. I'll be the one in the green shirt :) I hope you all have a safe, wonderful weekend with some time to do the things you love with the people you love. Thank you again for everything.

I may quite possibly be losing my mind...

2010-06-02T18:54:00.003-04:00

My life over the past fourteen months or so has been quite a roller coaster, as anyone who's dealt with grief understands. Some days I'm ok. Some days I even border on being happy or having fun. Some days I'm sad and want to cry and hide in my bed all day. Some days I want to punch things or people or both. And honestly, I think all these ups and downs are fairly normal.

Overall, I think I've done ok at getting out of bed in the morning, living my life, attempting to move forward and trying to come to grips with reality. I know I've had moments of disbelief and denial, but for the most part I've accepted that my kids were killed.

However, over the past two days something has changed and I have no idea why - except that maybe I'm really losing it.

Yesterday I recalled so many memories about my kids that seemed like they just happened - Kate's kindergarten end-of-the-year picnic, a trip to Kennywood with Kate and Peter's grandparents, dinners I made them, movies we watched, books we read - last night I swear to you I thought Peter might walk into my bedroom at about 2am and ask me for a snack as he did from time to time (I can't blame him, I can't sleep when I'm hungry either). It seemed to me that they had just been here, like yesterday, and now I can't figure out where they are.

I try to use my rational mind to remind myself that they died, but I mean to tell you, for some reason my brain will not accept that information right now. It's inconceivable, intolerable and I don't care what you say - it couldn't have happened!!! No effin' way!!! Or at least that's how I feel.

I cannot think about my kids right now without going into this weird state of shock. Like I'm so sad that if I start crying I may cry so much that I dehydrate and die, but I'm so far in denial and confusion that I can't cry one tear. I feel suspended or stuck - where I don't know, but somewhere, or maybe nowhere.

So do you see what I'm saying? I may really be losing it. And this is not good timing. I have homework to do, papers to write, chickens to de-bone, vegetables to tournee, a house to pack up and move...etc. How is it that I held it together for so long and now I'm wigging?! OMG, WTF?!

My rational brain tells me that it's fairly sure I'll get through this and find my mind again and if not, that someone who loves me will come over and gently guide me to the nearest insane asylum. And I guarantee that if you saw me on the street or met me in a coffee shop you would have no idea that my mind has left my head, been run over by a Mack truck and then been eaten by vultures. (I've got skills when it comes to coping in public) But it has.

And as I sit here trying to describe this I'd be lying if I said that I didn't hope the tornadoes currently forecasted would come to my house, suck me up and carry me to Oz - or even better - to wherever it is my kids are hangin these days. (I told you I wouldn't kill myself - I never said I wouldn't pray for an act of God to take me out) (and yes, I can practically hear my parents gasp after reading that)

I'm not trying to cause undue concern, or even complain about what I'm going through. I'm just sayin it like it is, because right now this is how it is. And it sucks. And I miss them. And I'd give ANYTHING to have them back or just to talk to them and find out how they are and know they're ok. But I can't so I'll just sit here at my computer, in my non-crying suspended shock state, and try to finish my homework. And go to bed. And hope and pray that tomorrow feels different.

A Day to Remember...

2010-05-29T07:43:00.004-04:00

It's been a long week and, thankfully, the holiday weekend is here. I'm so looking forward to having a day off, sleeping in and spending time with my family and friends. I hope all of you have have a great weekend too and have some time to spend with the ones you love, enjoying the summer-like weather. (And don't forget - PLEASE be safe and responsible)

At some point during what will hopefully be a fun and relaxing weekend, I encourage all of you to take a little time to remember the reason why we celebrate Memorial Day. I can only speak for myself, but I too often think of Memorial Day as a day off from work or the unofficial start of summer or a great time to barbecue with friends, and the real meaning of the holiday gets lost.

Memorial Day is truly a time to remember and honor all of the men and women who've died defending the freedoms we so often take for granted. Maybe we could all light a candle, visit a war memorial, or take a moment to just say thank you. (you all know that, as far as I'm concerned, those who've passed on are still with us in some form - so they will hear you) And please say a prayer for all of those who've lost family members or friends serving in our military, so they can feel comforted and know their loved ones will never be forgotten.

Thank you.

Thank you for your support...

2010-05-26T20:56:00.003-04:00

I'm sure that those of you who came here from That's Church know what an overwhelming response of support the Treehouse has received in the past few hours. I thank you all for speaking out and allowing yourselves to be heard.

I have personally spoken with Doug Shields and we have opened up the lines of communication to try to move forward in a positive way, meaning everyone will get to say what they need to say and all sides of the story will be heard. That's all I've ever wanted - to be positive, allow everyone to voice their opinions and to do what's best for EVERYONE - and I mean that. So I'm happy to say that it looks like that will happen. It may not have happened without all of you so again, THANK YOU!!!

Additionally, the Parks Conservancy has issued a statement I'd like to make you aware of. Please take a moment to check it out.

I promise to keep you updated on any new developments but now have to go write a paper on The Blue Foot Chicken - did you know a salmonella-free chicken exists that can be used for sushi? Ewwww is all I have to say about that.

I know I keep repeating myself, and the words seem so inadequate, but thank you again! Pittsburghers are the best!!!

Kate and Peter's Treehouse - the good news and the maybe not-so-good news...

2010-05-25T10:23:00.004-04:00

Because I tend to be an optimist I will give you the good news first. We have received some design proposals (by we I mean me, the Parks Conservancy and some other awesome people who have agreed to help with this project) and have selected some design teams to interview. This is pretty exciting - we've seen some examples of what these creative landscape architects and artists can do and soon they'll be able to tell us how they plan to make Kate and Peter's Treehouse the coolest treehouse ever!

And because I want you to feel really good before I tell you the not-so-good news, I'll tell you that the amount of money donated to this project continues to grow - a fact that constantly overwhelms me with people's kindness and generosity. Recently, while looking over my records of donations, I figured out that we've received donations from almost 700 individuals and businesses from 30 states, the District of Columbia, Canada and Australia. That's pretty darn amazing!

(By the way, some of you have emailed me and requested information on how to donate online. You can click on Kate and Peter's Picture where it says "Kate and Peter's Treehouse" on the left side of my blog or you can click HERE. Be sure to designate that you're donating to Kate and Peter's Treehouse. Thank you so much for your interest and for you donations!)

So here it is, the not-so-good news:

It seems as though there are some people who don't want this treehouse to be built in the part of Frick Park we have been considering. This certainly isn't the worst news in the world, nor is it any sort of deal-breaker or project-stopper, but it is concerning. To me, it's confusing and disheartening.

I will certainly admit to the fact that I am naive and tend to see the world through rose-colored glasses, despite all the stuff life has thrown at me, but it never occurred to me that people might not want Kate and Peter's Treehouse. Since hearing this news I've had to take a couple of steps back and consider why people might not want a play space for kids in their neighborhood and if I'm just being selfish by wanting to build it there. At this point I don't know the answers to these questions, but i do know that it's certainly not all about me.

The reason I first thought of this area of Frick Park, which is known as Turtle Park - located in Regent Square next to the site of the Environmental Charter School, is because my kids really enjoyed playing there so it has a special significance to me. It's a very accessible part of the park, located in a neighborhood with a lot of kids. Kate and Peter's Treehouse would provide a state-of-the-art, educational play space for neighborhood kids, school students and other community members.

Right now there is a picnic table, a couple of benches, a big grassy area and a large turtle (which is why it's called Turtle Park). I walk through Turtle Park all the time and I know lots of folks in the neighborhood use that grassy area for picnics or pick-up football games so I certainly wouldn't want to change that space. However, behind the turtle is a grove of trees which, in my opinion, would be a great place for kids to run and climb and play in the trees. But again, my opinion is not the only one that counts.

I haven't heard directly from any of the people who oppose Kate and Peter's Treehouse, but I'd definitely like to understand their concerns. The last thing I want to do is disrupt people's lives unnecessarily or do something detrimental to their neighborhood. What is confusing to me is that I thought playgrounds and play spaces raised property values and benefited nearby residents, but maybe I'm wrong.

The most important thing now is that peoples voices be heard. Obviously, hundreds of people support this project. And now it is apparent that some people oppose it. It is vital that both sides speak out so we can figure out if this location is the best place for the Treehouse or if it would be better to build it somewhere else.

There will be a presentation and question and answer session at the Regent Square Civic Association meeting on Monday, June 7 at 6pm at the Wilkins School Community Center. This will be a great opportunity for people to voice their support or opposition about Kate and Peter's Treehouse. If those of you who live in Pittsburgh and/or use Pittsburgh Parks feel strongly about this project and can get there, I would love to see you at this meeting!

If you can't make it to the meeting, but want your voice to be heard you can Contact Doug Shields, the City Councilman whose District includes this part of Regent Square, at 412 255-8965.

And now I feel like this...

2010-05-19T14:31:00.006-04:00

The research paper is done (hallelujah!), but after much procrastination I had to resort to one of my old college "study habits" to finish it. I wrote until midnight, at which time I could no longer see straight or think clearly so I went to bed. I got up at 3:30am to finish writing and finished at EXACTLY 6:30am when it was time to leave my house and drive to school.

I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to such tactics because now I'm older and wiser(?), but I did. And now that I am most definitely older, I don't bounce back as easily. So I'm going to take a very long nap so I can be prepared for another day in the kitchen tomorrow. And I have been warned - we will be tournéeing vegetables! Ugh!

This is how I feel...

2010-05-18T13:02:00.004-04:00

...about writing research papers:

I do feel like I'm turning into quite the whiner, but I'm gonna whine anyway.

I have a six page (minimum) research paper due tomorrow. I have to write about the narrow topics of coffee, tea and water and their importance in the food industry. How do I even attempt to do that in six pages?!! I could write six hundred pages on coffee alone and how important it is in my life and in the lives of all of my loved ones and, hell, in the lives of all of the people of the world, but who has time for that? So six pages it is.

I didn't realize when I started culinary school that I'd have to write papers. I did enough of that in college and grad school, thank you very much. I'm sure somehow it's good for me and I should just shut up and write already, but I wanted to share my frustration and angst with all of you.

AND I am the queen of all procrastinators - if there is a way to procrastinate, I will find it. Now I have a new one: blogging!

On that note I'm going to attempt to write a few more paragraphs before my next scheduled procrastination interlude. Thanks for listening, I feel better now.

breakfast is served...

2010-05-15T14:30:00.001-04:00

For those of you who love breakfast like I do, here are some pictures from yesterday's breakfast buffet. No complaints this time, it was a lot of fun.

Garden frittata and home fries:

Pancakes, french toast, crepes and a tower of yogurt granola parfaits (which literally had a tablespoon of yogurt and close to a cup of whipped cream):

As fun as it was, I do have to tell you that not everything went smoothly.

I was in charge of making Quiche Lorraine and Huevos Rancheros. We were instructed to roll out the dough for the quiche then blind bake it (without any filling) for a few minutes to set the crust. I rolled it out once, put it in pie pans and watched as the dough shrank so much it fell back into the pans. I took it out, re-rolled it leaving a pretty significant amount of dough hanging over the edges of the pans and popped it in the oven. That didn't work either. It still shrank and slid back into the pans. I was left with oblong discs of pie dough, not suitable for quiche.

I tried again. This time I decided to forgo the blind baking and just fill the raw dough with the quiche custard - ensuring there would be no way for the crust to shrink back into the pan again. As you can see...the crust did not cooperate. Oh well, it tasted pretty good. And now I'm on a mission to try to create the perfect quiche.

After my crust catastrophe it was time for the Huevos Rancheros. I've never made this before, in fact I'm not even sure I've ever eaten it, so I had no idea what I was doing. We didn't have a recipe so my instructor said "go find some veggies in the fridge and make some chili" as he handed me two cans of beans.

Let me explain something to you. I don't make anything without a recipe. Ever. This is why I'm in culinary school. So the instruction "go make chili" doesn't help me much.

I started looking frantically through my textbook for a recipe. (if there's one thing I've learned so far, it's that you have to work quickly) A couple of minutes later my instructor came back and said, "What are you looking for?" I looked at him and said, "a recipe for chili - I have no idea how to just make chili". He chuckled and said "just sweat some onions and garlic, add a little stock, throw in a couple tomatoes concasse (tomatoes that have been blanched, shocked, peeled and seeded) and here's some turkey you can add. We'll season it later."

Alrighty then. That helps, but still - no recipe. How much of each thing? How long do I cook it? In what order do I add the ingredients? Oh, and I'll go get on that tomato concasse business, but this is gonna take awhile!

It actually wasn't so difficult once I just started chopping and cooking. And it turned out pretty well. And, most importantly, it helped me get over my fear of cooking without a recipe. When the chili was complete, we served it on top of chive scrambled eggs and voila - Huevos Rancheros. (sorry, I was so caught up in the non-recipe stress I forgot to take a picture)

Next week we're on to whole chickens. I have no idea what we'll be doing with them but I'll be sure to let you know.

You want me to do WHAT to a potato?

2010-05-13T19:35:00.011-04:00

I'm in week 6 of my first quarter of culinary school and I've learned so much already, in such a short period of time.

I've learned how to chop, dice, mince, julienne, battonet and create a bunch of other crazy shapes with foods.

I've learned how to make mayonnaise, then turn that into salad dressing and make salads look nice and appetizing.

I've learned how to make potatoes 300 different ways (ok, I'm exaggerating a little, but not much). Here are some Dutchess Potatoes which are mashed potatoes mixed with egg yolks, piped into little "potato towers" then baked until they're golden brown. Pretty yummy.

I also piped some garlic mashed potatoes into cute little spirals which was fun:

All was good, enjoyable, educational and tasty...until we attempted to tournée a potato. Tournée is a term for a type of cut. For example, a battonet is something cut 1/4" by 1/4" by 2". A julienne is 1/8" by 1/8" by 2". These are simple, concise geometric shapes. While it may be challenging to be consistent, it's at least possible.

A tournée is a football shape, 2" long with flat ends and 7 equal sides. I mean, seriously?! 7 EQUAL SIDES? Are you kidding me? Who comes up with this stuff? I could maybe attempt 8 sides, but 7?

Why? I just want to know why!

After some discussion with my classmates, we came to the consensus that someone somewhere had smoked a little too much of something and had some potatoes and a knife on hand. He (or she, though I'm guessing it was a he) decided it would be fun to make little footballs. And now the tournée is done with all kinds of vegetables in high-end restaurants. In my humble opinion, the vegetables don't taste any better that way so when I become a personal chef I will not be preparing them that way. Just sayin.

Our instructor demonstrated the tournée and made it look easy so I thought "maybe it's not as difficult as it sounds". Wrong. It is nearly impossible, from what I can tell. Here are my first two attempts:

They definitely do not have 7 equal sides.

A little later (the word little is used loosely):

And after 3 hours. I kid you not, it really took me that long:

My tournéeing technique improved, but not to the point where I'd like to try it again, ever. And as far as I know I don't have to, at least not anytime soon.

This week is breakfast week which, I have to say, is pretty enjoyable. Today our class learned to make eggs a bazillion different ways - Benedict, over-medium, french omelettes, etc. Tomorrow we'll be making a breakfast buffet including pancakes, french toast, crepes, granola parfaits, more eggs and home fries...for starters. And no tournéeing! Can't wait!!

Just for today...

2010-05-09T13:16:00.005-04:00

I've had a bunch of school-related things I've wanted to write about but literally have not had a minute to sit down and write them, until now. And now I realize that it's Mother's Day and I don't feel like they're all that important. I'll save them for another day.

Unfortunately, I don't have much to say about Mother's Day except that I know a lot of real great moms, including my own, who deserve to be appreciated and have a fabulous day.

Last year Mother's Day was sad because it was the first one I spent without my kids. I think this year may be even more sad because I feel so far removed from being a mother.

I know I will always be a mom and can always call myself a mom, but I don't get to do mom things anymore. So while I still have the "title" Mom, I no longer have a role as a mom, at least not in any practical way. I hate that.

Just for today I'm going back to bed to cry and be sad and feel sorry for myself (and hopefully sleep so the day goes by faster). But I promise that tomorrow I will get out of bed and try to have a better day. Really, I will.

And while I'm in bed feeling sad, please don't doubt for one second that I will also be feeling grateful that I've had the chance to be a mom at all...if there is one thing that will ALWAYS outweigh my sadness it is how fortunate I feel to have been Kate and Peter's mama for any length of time.

I sincerely wish a Happy Mother's Day to all the other moms out there - to those who are with their children today and to those who, for whatever reason, are not.

Overwhelmed, but it's all good...

2010-04-29T18:25:00.004-04:00

So culinary school is a lot of work! It's not that I thought it would be easy - I knew I had a lot to learn - I just didn't realize there'd be so much homework. And, I thought if I did have homework it would be baking a cake or making a lasagna or something involving me spending time in a kitchen. I had no idea there would be research papers! Who woulda thought?!

In the past four weeks I've been working really hard (I'm definitely doing more work than I did in college and those of you who went to college with me know I'm not lying), getting very little sleep - my classes start at 7am, therefore I get up at 5am - and learning a lot. For the most part I love it. A five hour class goes by before I know it, I don't even look at the clock. I get to make all sorts of things I can't even pronounce! It's fun and quite challenging; it's a good thing.

In addition to going to school, I'm also hoping to put my house on the market in the near future and find another house to move into (don't worry - I'm not leaving Pittsburgh, just changing neighborhoods). Again, a lot of work! My house needs help - besides all the things that need to be fixed, I have lots of stuff to organize, get rid of, pack up and store. I'm sort of 'forced' to go through my kids things, which is difficult but necessary. Fortunately, I have great friends who are willing to help. For the most part I'm keeping and packing up everything because there isn't much I can part with, and that's just the way it is.

It's weird - a few months ago I wanted everything to stay where it was, I couldn't imagine moving my kids things at all. Now I guess I'm ready. I'm starting to separate myself emotionally, spiritually and physically from my house and it doesn't really feel like my house anymore. I'm looking forward to the change and it's good to know I can take all my kids' stuff with me (and more importantly, that they'll be with me wherever I go).

I have my work cut out for me - with both school and moving. And if that isn't enough, I met with the Parks Conservancy today to talk about recent developments in planning Kate and Peter's Treehouse. Things are really moving, which is very, very exciting!!!! As soon as I have anything concrete to share I will, but for now I can tell you that we've received some design proposals and are reviewing them. It's almost surreal to me that all these designers have ideas for Kate and Peter's Treehouse, that they want to help make this project a reality. But it is real and this treehouse is gonna be amazing. Thank you so much to everyone who has donated to the project so far!

So while 'overwhelmed' is sort of an understatement for my life right now, I'm glad I'm overwhelmed with good things. And now I must get back to my homework...

Happy Birthday, Peter...

2010-04-21T00:08:00.001-04:00

Dear Peter,

Six years ago you came into this world and made it a better place. You changed me and everyone you met and brought so much joy into our lives. I am exceedingly grateful for every moment that I got to spend with you and that I had the honor of being your mother. There are no words to describe how much I love and miss you!

I hope that wherever you are you are safe and happy and surrounded by love. I have always and will always be so very proud of you. Happy Birthday!

With all my love,
Mama

Here are a few pictures from each of the birthdays he got to spend here on Earth:

And a few of him just being Peter:

trying to move forward...

2010-04-15T20:23:00.000-04:00

After all the intense sadness and anger I've experienced in the last couple of weeks I'm doing my best to pick myself up and keep going. As I mentioned before, I just started culinary school. I've wanted to do this for a long time - I looked into it when Kate and Peter were around the ages of 4 and 2, but realized at that point there was no way I would have time. Now I have all the time in the world.

So here I am. And so far I love it. I can sit through a four hour lecture or a five hour practical class and not wish class would end because I'm so interested in what I'm learning. I can actually go home and use what I'm learning! What a concept.

There are challenges to this whole going back to school thing, however. I'm not just talking about homework - though there's a lot of that. The biggest challenge I'm finding is how to tell people who I am, something that comes up rather often, without making me sad or freaking them out.

The first day of class we had to go around the room and introduce ourselves, explaining why we're in school and what we hope to do when we graduate. Easy enough. "Hi, I'm Amy. I used to be a guidance counselor, then I was a stay-at-home mom. Now I'm looking into getting back into the career world and I love to cook. I'd like to be a personal chef." Clear, concise, doesn't raise any questions.

I'm also taking an online class and our first assignment was to write an autobiography. Seriously.

I figured I'd basically expand on what I said in class but first I read what everyone else posted. For the most part, the posts went like this, "Hi, I'm Happy McHappington. I live in Atlanta with my wonderful husband and my two adorable children. And I'm pregnant with twins. I love cooking and I'm so excited to be taking this class! Life couldn't be better!"

Ok, so I exaggerate a little because I'm jealous and sad. But really, almost everyone in the class was a stay-at-home mom with two or more children. They all shared the names and ages of their kids and how fabulous they are. Why shouldn't they? I was so torn about what to write. I was afraid that if I shared my real story, I might freak everyone out. I wasn't sure that assignment was the right forum for such sad news. On the other hand, I felt that if I didn't talk about my kids I was denying their existence. And that felt even worse.

Fortunately, my good friend Jenny called while I was in mid-internal-debate. She encouraged me to share my story and speak my truth. After all, it is the truth. My kids are every bit as important to me as everyone else's kids are to them. So I did. As clearly and concisely and non-dramatically as possible. Funny...no one commented on my autobiography. Oh well, I can't blame them.

Now that I'm getting to know my classmates in my real-life classes a little more this issue is coming up more often. We talk about what we did before coming to school, I mention I was a stay-at-home mom and the next question they ask is "How old are your kids?" It's a logical question.

Unfortunately, I find myself minimizing the situation. I find myself saying, "It's really sad, but they died in a car accident last year. It's ok though." WTF? Why do I say this?! It's not fucking ok! I just don't want to deal with the awkwardness everyone feels after I drop this information. But then I feel like a jerk. Ugh.

I've run into this problem all year. When I travel, when I go out - whenever I meet new people. I guess I should be used to it, but I probably never will be. And I know it will never be "ok" so I'm going to stop saying that. Maybe instead I'll say "I'm doing my best to keep going, to move forward, but I miss them everyday". That sounds better and more honest.

On the bright side, I really do LOVE the cooking part of culinary school. I leave there every day feeling energized and like I want to go home and cook some more. So that's a great thing. I am moving forward, but I will never move on.

This is one of those posts...

2010-04-12T21:35:00.006-04:00

that maybe you shouldn't read because it's really messed up. This may even be one of those posts I shouldn't publish because it's just too dark and it should stay somewhere in the corners of my mind. I guess I'll just write it and see.

Lately that dichotomy I wrote about before is getting worse. I'm starting to feel like I have two completely separate personalities (that's probably not good - think I'll discuss it with my therapist). There's the me who goes to work, goes to school, spends time with my friends, smiles, laughs and sometimes even has fun. Then there's the me who is constantly tormented by the fact that my kids were killed.

And this is the part that's really bothering me lately: my kids didn't just die, they were killed. It's not like they got old and their bodies gave up and didn't want to live anymore. They were perfectly healthy little kids one minute and the next minute they were dead. I'm not trying to blame anyone, really I'm not, but I'm just saying...this idea of being killed is making me crazy. Honestly, I think part of the reason why this is bugging me is that I blame myself for allowing this to happen. A mother protects her kids. I have failed as a mother. In the biggest possible way.

Now I know you're all going to comment and say there's nothing I could have done, I was a good mom, etc. As much as I appreciate that and understand it rationally with my mind, I don't feel it. I feel...desperately sad, remorseful and like I would give ANYTHING to undo this.

Since my brain has been on the topic of being killed lately, I've been thinking about all the unbelievably shitty things that happen in the month of April and how weird it is. Peter's birthday is April 21st, however his due date was April 19th. Not long after I learned his due date people started saying, "what a horrible day...that's when the Waco, Texas thing happened...and the Oklahoma City bombing". I thought "Seriously?!! I don't want my child to be born on that day...hope he comes before or after". Then I learned that April 20th is Hitler's birthday and was the day of the shootings at Columbine High School. This is what I'm saying - what is up with April?!

Last year on April 4th, while my kids were playing, I remember watching the news about the 3 Pittsburgh police officers who were killed in the line of duty. I remember being horrified about the whole thing. Little did I know that two days later my own personal horror would happen.

Since the day of the accident I've spoken with one person who, I believe, truly understands what I'm going through. She's a friend of a friend who lost her only two children many years ago. She was separated from her husband at the time and her daughters were spending a weekend with him. They died in a house fire, not a car accident, but the situation is frighteningly similar. While I was talking with her she mentioned something about Easter so I asked her when her kids died: April 5th. WTF?

Now this year, on April 5th, 29 miners die in a West Virginia mine explosion?!! This is what I'm saying. I realize bad things happen at all times of the year and I'm probably just more cognizant of what happens in April, but really?

I'm not sure why I'm putting all this negative information out there, I normally try not to do that. Maybe if it's in cyberspace it'll stop bothering me so much. Maybe I just want to warn everyone to be extra careful this month. I don't know. And I'm sure lots of good things have happened in April - my mom's birthday is in April and so is Peter's. In fact, I know a lot of good people who have April birthdays. There - it's not all bad.

Sorry to bring everyone down, but this is where I'm at right now. Please be careful out there.

getting through "the day"

2010-04-10T16:43:00.000-04:00

So I've made it through a year. I can't thank all of you enough for the overwhelming love and support on you showed me on Tuesday - you have no idea how much it helped!

Honestly, I think the build-up to "the day" was far worse than the actual day itself. The week before I started freaking out, reliving the whole experience. By the time April 6th arrived I was so stressed I sort of disconnected from myself and walked around in a fog all day. I didn't cry much that day, I really couldn't feel anything.

Fortunately, because I have the best friends EVER, I was surrounded by people who love me for the majority of the day. I met some of my friends for lunch at the Square Cafe, a little restaurant in Regent Square where my kids and I used to eat often - they loved that place. Then I met some other friends for dinner at Mad Mex - another restaurant my kids enjoyed. There I ate one of their favorites (and mine) for dinner - a hot fudge brownie sundae. I would have never let them eat that as their dinner, only after they ate their dinners. Kate always had soft chicken tacos with black beans and Peter always had Dino Nuggets. Now I'm thinkin the sundae is probably more nutritious than the Dino Nuggets...shoulda let Peter skip right to dessert.

I wanted to do something "in their memory" or something to honor them. I know people often take flowers to a grave site, but my kids weren't buried so I don't have a grave site to go to. Their ashes are at my house with me. However, three trees were planted in their memory last year - 2 at Kate's school and one at Peter's school. I considered taking flowers there.

A few days earlier I met up with Kate's Kindergarten teacher, who works at the school Peter attended last year, and I knew she was taking care of the tree there. She put pumpkins by the tree for Halloween (one decorated like a princess and one like Captain Jack Sparrow), hung eggs on the tree for Easter and brought flowers to the tree on "the day". So I figured I would do something with the trees at Kate's school.

My first thought was flowers, but then I reconsidered. Flowers are nice, but my kids would prefer toys. So I brought a Sleeping Beauty Barbie and a Spiderman action figure and, with the help of some friends, secured them in the trees. I'm hoping my kids liked that.

The best part, for me, was when the Vice-Principal of the school called me later that day to tell me she overheard some kids leaving school saying, "Cool! Check it out - Kate and Peter put toys in their trees!" I'm so happy to know the kids remember them.

I'm still here.

2010-04-09T21:06:00.003-04:00

I apologize that I haven't posted anything since Monday. I did make it through "the day" and have been working on a post about my experience of that day, but I haven't had a chance to finish it yet. Wednesday, the day after "the day", I started culinary school so I have been getting up at 5am, spending hours in class and trying to keep up with homework. I want to write about that as well...I just haven't had time.

I'm sorry if I made you all worry. I so appreciate all your support this week! I promise to post more soon.

tomorrow is "the day"...

2010-04-05T19:31:00.012-04:00

Tomorrow, April 6th, will be the 1st anniversary of the day my kids died. I don't like to refer to it as an anniversary because, to me, the term anniversary suggests a celebration. I won't be celebrating. I'm not even sure I'll be breathing.

I don't want to make too big a deal out of "the day". In many ways it's like any other day - just another day on this earth without Kate and Peter, at least in the physical sense. However, I do feel like I'd like to do something to honor them tomorrow. I just don't know what. If anyone has any ideas I'm open to suggestions.

I was hoping to write something more eloquent, but I'm finding that I have no words. Just lots of tears. So I'll end this post with a few of my favorite pictures.

Census 2010

2010-03-31T11:58:00.002-04:00

While going through my pile of mail I found my Census 2010 form. I'm realizing now that my kids were never counted in a census and never will be - it's almost like they weren't here, at least not officially according to the people who count people. That's just wrong. :(

the dichotomy down under

2010-03-31T01:26:00.000-04:00

I apologize for my recent prolonged lack of blogging. I've just returned to Pittsburgh after what may have been the most incredible trip of my life: three weeks traveling through three different parts of Australia. I spent time sunbathing on beautiful beaches and exploring picturesque mountains, interacting with exotic animals, eating at incredible restaurants and staying in some of the nicest accommodations I've ever seen - thanks, entirely, to my brother. For the first time ever I didn't get homesick while on vacation, in fact I didn't even want to come home. Though if I have to come home to somewhere, I'm glad I get to come home to Pittsburgh.

We started our trip in Sydney, where my brother lives. We saw the basic sights, like the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge, went shopping, biked through Olympic Park where the Olympics were held in 2000 and saw some of Sydney's finest beaches.

Bondi Beach is Sydney's most famous beach and the subject of the Australian hit TV show, "Bondi Rescue". Let me tell you - the lifeguards at this beach don't mess around. There are huge waves, strong rip currents and sharks to deal with. During both of the days I spent there I saw lifeguards dragging people out of the water. If you are swimming where you shouldn't be they will get on their megaphones and tell you to get your ass out of the dangerous areas. And if there's a shark in the area you will see a low flying helicopter tracking it and hear an air raid siren warning everyone to get out of the water. Pretty crazy, but cool. And it's a "topless optional" beach so in the midst of the hundreds of people and organized chaos there are boobs everywhere.

I caught a rainbow at Bondi (and yes, after taking the picture I noticed the two people laying on top of each other in the foreground - oh well, what can you do?):

From Sydney we flew to Tasmania, the southernmost state of Australia. Tasmania is a beautiful island with mountains and beaches, and of course, cute little Tasmanian devils.

Here are a couple of pictures from the top of Mt. Wellington, outside the city of Hobart:

Some views along the coast:

Some of the animals we saw:

From Tasmania we flew to Queensland, where the Great Barrier Reef lives. We went snorkeling around the reef and saw reef sharks and giant clams the size of Volkswagen beetles (unfortunately I didn't take pictures). We traveled through the rain forest and ate crocodile and kangaroo (kinda felt bad about that). What we didn't do was go to the beach and swim, for the following reasons:

From Queensland we headed back to Sydney where we spent the remainder of our trip. We went to a concert at the Opera House and climbed the Harbour Bridge, the largest steel structure in the Southern Hemisphere.

So. what can I say? The trip was amazing. I had the time of my life. But then there's the aforementioned dichotomy...

What I noticed was this - the more fun I had, the more sad I became. It makes absolutely no sense, really. Each day I thought,"my kids should be here, they would love this" and this giant pit of sorrow in the core of my existence grew. It got to the point where I wished it would just swallow me up and get it over with already. I would go snorkeling and climb bridges by day, then go back to my room and cry myself to sleep at night. And I'm still doing that fabulous thing where I wake up in the middle of the night panicking, not believing reality is real.

I'm not complaining, how can I complain after having such an amazing opportunity to see a beautiful part of the world? I'm just saying it like it is. I don't know if I will ever really be happy again. I mean, how can I be happy? My kids are dead.

I have to go on, so I will. One day at a time...often one breath at a time. I'm grateful to my brother for helping me have as much fun as possible in the moments when I wasn't overcome by sadness. And I'm thankful for all of the family and friends and blog readers who are here for me when I just can't deal with it anymore.

Australia...

2010-03-05T00:46:00.002-05:00

So here I am, on a plane, flying to the other side of the world. I'm on my way to visit my one and only brother who has lived in Sydney for the past 5 years. Everyone always asks me why he moved there. He spent a semester in Australia when he was in college and, I guess, fell in love with the country. He always knew he wanted to go back, so he did.

I have never been down under to visit him. He moved there right after Kate's 3rd birthday so, unfortunately, didn't get to spend a whole lot of time with my kids over the last few years. He was, however, a wonderful uncle. We spent lots of time talking with him via skype and he never missed a birthday or holiday. He always sent balloons or cookies or presents. And when he did visit Pittsburgh we had a blast. Kate and Peter loved him very much.

The night of the accident, when I couldn't sleep, I found his cell phone number and called him while he was at work to tell him what happened. He dropped everything and was on a plane the next morning. He stayed in the States for almost a month. (fortunately his employer was understanding and encouraged him to take as much time as he needed) He helped me and my parents immensely during that time. I can't thank him enough. He's a great guy and I'm very lucky to have him as my brother!

I have no idea what to expect from this trip, which for me is often the best way to approach something new - no expectations. I don't think I've ever heard someone say they had a bad time in Australia so I'm sure it will be a fabulous and exciting adventure. Maybe I'll want to move there too! Except I love Pittsburgh too much.

Here are some random things about my traveling experience so far:

I've never been on a plane with stairs before, it's so cool...and my seat is upstairs :)

My seat is, more or less, a Craft-matic adjustable bed with a built-in back massager so I have no business complaining about being on a plane for 23 hours.

There's a nifty little flight path computer thingy built into the back of the seat in front of me. At any time I can find out exactly where I am (which currently is somewhere over Arizona), how long before I arrive at my destination and what the outside temperature is. At the moment it's -59 degrees F. Damn, that's cold!!

And yes, I realize I'm a big dork to be so amused by such things, but I am amused and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Flying south for the rest of the winter...

2010-03-03T18:00:00.004-05:00

I apologize for my recent lack of blogging. I've been preparing for my next big adventure - a trip to Australia to visit my brother, Chris. I'm currently in New York, getting ready to spend 700 hours on a plane - ok, I exaggerate - it's only 23 hours. I will have plenty of free time in the next couple of days so I promise to write more soon.

The Playground: Chapter 1 - Some Background Information

2010-02-24T20:04:00.011-05:00

As most of you already know, I am working to build a playground in memory of Kate and Peter. Things are moving along and there is so much I want to share with you, but the project isn't yet at a point where I have all the details. For now I want to give you some background information and tell you what has happened up to this point.

The idea of building a playground to memorialize Kate and Peter first made it's way into my brain the night of the accident. I was laying in bed - not sure why I was even trying to sleep - thinking, crying, freaking out, and thinking some more.

After talking with the police and confirming the fact that my kids were dead, I talked with my dad on the phone. I remember saying, in addition to many other things, "What do I do now?! I'm a stay at home mom and my kids are gone! I have no purpose anymore!"

My dad, very adamantly said, "You have to go on!! You have to do something to memorialize those kids and let everyone know how wonderful they were."

I've not had much experience with death or memorials so in my head, my idea of memorializing someone was erecting some sort of stone structure with names carved in it. In my distraught state of mind I thought to myself, "That's effin fabulous...I'll build some big wall and put their names on it. That will serve absolutely no purpose."

Late that night while laying in bed my mind was going through all the things I'd done wrong as a mom - cause that's what we moms do. One of the most prominent things that came to mind was the fact that they'd really wanted a tree house and I had, more or less, squashed that idea.

My kids loved playing outside and imagining they were superheroes or characters from movies or books, or just people they made up. Their most favorite people to "be" were Carmen and Juni Cortez from the "Spy Kids" movies. They also loved to "be" Jack and Annie from the Magic Tree House book series.

We sometimes read the Magic Tree House books together before bed and one day, sometime in the summer of 2008, they asked if I would build them a tree house. Now those of you who have kids know that what they ask for and want can change on a daily or hourly basis, but this idea of a tree house was something they asked for persistently.

Whenever they asked about it I thought to myself, "I'm a girl. I know nothing about building stuff and, really, that's a guy's job." Now don't get me wrong, I realize there are many women out there who could surely build a kick ass tree house, but I am not one of them. So I decided that someday, when I meet someone, get married again and move into the house we will live in forever, I would have that someone build them a tree house - or at least hire someone to do it. I told Kate and Peter as much, though not in so many words.

So back to the night of the accident: I'm laying there feeling bad about not having the chance to build them a tree house and also wondering how the hell I'm going to build a memorial that will do them justice. And it hit me. What if I could build a tree house as their memorial? What if the tree house could be a playground that lots of kids could use? And what if all those kids and their parents, by playing at this tree house, could get a small glimpse of how awesome Kate and Peter are?

So that is what I'm trying to do. And it's gonna happen, I have no doubt. And it's gonna be the most amazing tree house playground anyone has ever seen. Seriously.

I've had A LOT of help with this project so far. There are so many people who have helped it's overwhelming, in a wonderful kind of way. Our biggest effort up to this point has been trying to raise the funds necessary to build something like this. Hundreds of people have sent checks, participated in fund raisers, bought bumper stickers, sold bracelets...the list goes on. We have raised a good amount of money so far, but we still have a long way to go.

As of now the Pittsburgh Parks Conservancy has taken on this tree house playground as one of their projects. This is good because the Parks Conservancy is a wonderful organization who manages the park land in Pittsburgh and knows how to build stuff, unlike my girly self. We are working together now to come up with a design and a budget. Once this happens I will know how much money we actually need.

We are also working to make it possible to donate to Kate and Peter's Tree House online. As soon as this happens I will let you know. For now I want to sincerely thank everyone who has helped so far!!! I have no words to describe how much everyone's kindness means to me or how overwhelmed I have been by hundreds of people who have sent donations.

I am unbelievably excited about this and looking forward to sharing more details the instant I have them!

Oh, and we may have to design something conducive to spinning because, apparently, kids like to do that:

feeling a little better...

2010-02-19T19:42:00.009-05:00

Honestly, right now, I feel better than I have in two weeks. Thanks, in large part, to the fact that I saw the SUN today and I didn't have to shovel snow! It's amazing how quickly things shift. This grief thing is much like some kind of crazy roller coaster or, as Dudders commented, like a pinball machine. I love this analogy, I hope she doesn't mind if I repost it:

"There aren't concrete stages of grieving, the whole thing is more of a pinball game. You're sad, you're mad, you're happy, you're angry, you're bouncing all around and have no idea which way is up."

Well said. That's exactly what it feels like.

Another reason for my shift in mood is that the meeting about the playground went well - I'm very, very excited about it. I'm working on a post specifically about it so stay tuned. And, as always, thank you for all of your thoughts, prayers and encouraging words! They help me more than you can imagine. I wish I could hug you all!

it's getting worse...

2010-02-18T20:06:00.003-05:00

I've often heard the phrase "hitting bottom" in reference to people dealing with addiction or destructive lifestyles or even depression. I would imagine that grief must have a low-point as well, though I have to admit that I'm not up on my reading about this subject. Frankly, as I told someone recently, I would like to take all of the books about the stages of grief and what I should be feeling and set them on fire. But that's another post.

I keep thinking to myself, "this is pretty bad...I can't imagine it's gonna get worse". Then it does.

Here's something new: I find myself laying in bed at night reliving the night of the accident and throwing myself into panic attacks. It's like my mind is still trying to grasp what has happened and won't give up until it has reviewed every moment of that day and explored all other possibilities for why it hasn't seen Kate or Peter in almost a year. And when it comes to the conclusion that they're dead, it panics. (it's a little weird how I sometimes describe my mind as a separate entity - don't worry I don't think I've developed multiple personalities)

I don't know if I would feel better if someone else was around - I certainly have spent a lot more time alone lately, thanks to our 482 feet of snow - or if I would just feel awkward.

So now I have a hard time falling asleep at night (though thankfully, once I fall asleep I sleep pretty well) and I wake up every morning and say to myself, "I just can't do this anymore. I'm done." But no matter how adamantly I say it or how serious I am, I can't be done. I have no choice. I have to keep going.

I think the approaching anniversary is part of the reason I'm having such a hard time, but who knows? I could make up reasons forever - I just want to know when it's gonna stop getting worse and get better, if ever. Maybe? Please?!

Because I have to give myself a little something to hold onto, here are a couple of good things:

1. The other night while I was trying to go to sleep and unbearably missing my kids, I pleaded with them to visit me in my dreams. I did, in fact, dream about them that night. It was a strange dream, but I woke up feeling like I got to spend some time with them which is priceless.

2. Tomorrow I have a meeting regarding the playground I'm trying to build in their memory. Hopefully I will have more information to share with you soon. This is a good thing, and a reason to get out of bed tomorrow.

If you don't hear much from me in the upcoming days it's because I'm literally putting all the energy I have into getting out of bed, taking an occasional shower and getting dressed. Oh, and shoveling snow.

It has to get better eventually.

Happy Balance Times Day...

2010-02-13T11:58:00.004-05:00

as Peter used to say. :)

I wish you all a Valentine's Day full of love! Thank you for all the love you've shown me!!!

this depression business really isn't working for me...

2010-02-10T13:19:00.007-05:00

The "Snowpocalypse" has certainly been challenging for me, as it has for most of the residents of the mid-atlantic states. I feel bad complaining because so far I've been able to dig myself out, haven't run out of milk or bread and haven't lost my power at all (knock on wood!). The part that's been hard for me has been the isolation.

As you can tell from my past few posts I've been feeling pretty down lately. (And again, I cannot thank you all enough for your kind thoughts and encouraging words - they really do help!!!) In addition to the sadness I've been feeling about my kids, I've now spent the better part of the past week home alone. I've never liked being alone. In fact, I used to be afraid of being alone. I don't fear it anymore, but I still don't like it.

When I'm alone I spend way too much time in my head. I start thinking about things and feeling sorry for myself and begin a downward spiral into depression. I know when I've crossed the line of sadness into depression because I don't want to do anything. At all. Except maybe eat and sleep. Then I eat and feel fat. Then I try to sleep and I can't. I'm sure anyone who's ever been depressed can identify with what I'm saying.

I've dealt with depression a few times over the years and have even been medicated for it. I'm not trying to minimize the seriousness of it at all. However, this time it's different. I can't stand being depressed...which I guess is a good thing.

In the past I had often considered offing myself. I would lay in bed and feel sad and sorry for myself, then create elaborate schemes for how I would do it and who would find me...etc. Now, suicide is off the table because, as I've said in past posts, I won't take the chance. I fear that if I were to end my own life I might not join my kids where they are. It's just not worth the risk. So, for anyone who might be worried about me - you don't have to worry. It's not even an option.

Thus, because I know I'm stuck here, feeling sad and sorry for myself doesn't help anything. It's really pointless. I have to be here whether I want to be or not, so I might as well make the best of it. Does this make any sense or does it sound like I've totally lost my mind (a distinct possibility)?

So last night while I was moping and whining and feeling fat I decided to just cut it out already. I might as well do something constructive and try to have fun while I'm here. So I made a somewhat complicated cauliflower and chickpea curry. It was both fun and constructive.

And today, while I'm snowed in AGAIN, I'm going to do my best to not take for granted what I do have.... a home, heat, food, my dog and wi-fi. I'll try to find a way to be constructive and have some degree of fun. Maybe I'll try to break all the records on my wii.

I thank you all for hanging with me when things get dark and sad and scary. Sometimes I think no one will want to read this if it's always so negative. But when I'm down, you all amaze me with your support. I promise that better things are to come. :)

Like maybe the sun...

maybe this is as bad as it gets...

2010-02-07T15:23:00.004-05:00

I feel like I've finally hit the wall. I've run out of bright sides to look on, positive things to think and ways to make sense of this. Though I could still come up with ten things to be thankful for, none of it really matters. I've reached the point where nothing makes sense without them.

While I was taking a shower this morning I noticed that Peter's bath toys, which were still perched on the side of the tub, were starting to get moldy. They haven't been used in almost a year so why wouldn't they be moldy? I could've cleaned them and put them back, but what's the point? He's not coming back. He's not going to use them anymore. Keeping them doesn't make me feel any closer to him. So I threw them out.

I still can't stomach the idea that my kids are dead. I say it out loud sometimes and I just don't believe it. And lately I've gotten really good at believing that they're not dead and gone, but alive in another dimension. But today I just don't care. That doesn't cut it. I want them to be here with me.

I know that at some point I'll feel better. It's a good thing grief comes in waves because if it felt this bad all the time no one would survive it. So I will survive and surely live many more days without them. Fabulous.

on a slightly better note...

2010-02-03T21:47:00.006-05:00

I went back to cleaning and found a necklace I've been trying to find for a long time.

A couple of years ago I bought a set of simple heart necklaces from Claire's boutique. One had a solid heart and the other had an outline of a heart (pictured above)...and the hearts fit together. I bought these to help Kate with some separation anxiety she was experiencing at school. We each wore one of them for awhile until she felt better about going to school. Then she moved onto other, more fashionable jewelry and we put our necklaces in our respective jewelry boxes.

A couple of weeks before the accident Kate started wearing hers again and asked me to wear mine. She was wearing it when she died.

I wore my necklace every day for a couple of months, but would always take it off before getting in the shower. One day in June I misplaced it and hadn't seen it since. Until tonight. :)

still surreal...

2010-02-03T20:27:00.007-05:00

I am a woman on a mission with this cleaning and organizing business. Seriously. I don't care how difficult it is, I feel compelled to make my house more livable. But I do need to tell you, it is bordering on torturous.

Right now I'm trying desperately to clean my room. I have a desk that is piled so high with papers most people don't even know there's a desk there. (am I writing out loud? can't believe I'm admitting to all this) Anyway, I was just going through each item one by one, deciding whether to throw it out, recycle it, file it or find another place to put it. I've found bills, Kate's homework assignments, magazines, drawings Kate and Peter created, old junk mail, etc.

The last three things I found were, in order:

a picture of the two of them taken in 2006 when they were 4 and 2 years old:

a small art project of Peter's from school last year:

and the post-it note where I wrote down Steve's license plate number, car description and the number of the State Police last April 6th when I was trying to find them:

I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing and telling everyone about this experience except that it seems so surreal I almost feel like I need to document it to prove it really happened, and that this is really happening and that this is really my life. Seriously. WTF?

I guess I'm also writing this because I said way back in the beginning of this blog that I was going to tell it like it is and not censor myself. And this is how it is. And I will get through it and have a better day sometime, but for now this is it.

How do I go back to cleaning after that? How do I do anything after that? I'm not exactly sure...but, again, what choice do I have. I have to do something.

cleaning out my closet...

2010-01-31T15:53:00.009-05:00

I'm honestly feeling quite motivated to organize my house, get rid of clutter and get ready to move forward with my life but it's so unbelievably hard to do. My house is beyond cluttered (I may soon be a candidate for that show "hoarders") so today I decided I'd start with something small - the hall closet.

I keep mostly towels and sheets stored in that closet with a couple of shelves dedicated to things like first-aid supplies and toiletries. I thought it would be the easiest place to begin, the place with the least emotional attachment. Notsomuch. Who would've thought the hall closet would bring me to tears.

First I found the giant Spongebob band-aids I bought for Peter when he fell and scraped his knee at a playground. I can't quite possibly get rid of those...and I guess I don't really have to. Then I found the unopened bottle of kids' shampoo I must have bought right before they died. Guess I don't need that anymore.

Next I found a partially used bottle of Zofran, an antimedic that was prescribed for Peter exactly one year ago today. He had a very bad gastrointestinal illness last year. I had to take him to the ER at Children's Hospital twice and he missed a full week of school. It's not a good memory, but at least it's a memory. Even if he was really sick, he was still here.

This picture Kate made for Peter when he was sick is still hanging on my wall where she taped it:

She sure loves him!

Then I found the Vicks VapoRub that I used to put on Kate's feet before bed when she had a bad cold and cough (yes I said FEET and really, it works for the cough! ). Again, a memory of having a sick kid, but also a memory of putting her in bed at night, hugging her, telling her I loved her, and knowing she was safe and sound in her bed.

So now instead of cleaning and organizing I'm crying and writing. At this rate my house will be organized sometime in 2016...maybe. I know I need to take my time and I know I need to cry, but it sucks...and hurts.

a little something from my kids...

2010-01-25T18:01:00.005-05:00

I’m home from my adventures at sea. It’s nice to be home and though I had some sort of flu-like illness for the first few days of my cruise, I was still able to enjoy a nice relaxing vacation.

Given that I’ve been away from home and, for the most part, away from my blog for the past twelve days I have experienced a whole range of emotions since my last post. I would like to report that I did spend some time releasing my anger using a tennis racquet and pillows - ok, it was more like an exorcism than a release. It was quite cathartic and I felt much better after doing so. I thank you all for your suggested anger-releasing techniques and plan to give some of them a try for what I’m sure will be many upcoming episodes of anger.

There were so many things I considered writing about while on vacation, but due to my sheer lack of motivation from being sick and the ridiculous price of on-board wi-fi I haven’t written anything yet. I have much to sort through in my brain before writing anything coherent, however there is one occurrence I’d like to quickly share.

As you may know if you’ve read my blog in the past I still talk to my kids quite frequently and occasionally “hear” from them. While sitting in the sun one particularly sad day last week I was talking to my kids saying, “You know, it’s been a long time since I’ve heard from you and I miss you so much. It would be so helpful if you could give me a little something, some kind of sign to let me know you’re still there and that you’re ok.”

Immediately after “saying” that (I didn’t really say it out loud, but was talking to them in my head) I was playing with my phone, as I so often do. I was sending text messages from the middle of the ocean (also not cheap) when I noticed I had about 30 unfinished messages in my “drafts” folder. Those of you who text will understand that when I’m in the middle of composing a text message and my phone rings the partial message automatically gets saved to my drafts folder. I typically forget that the folder exists and retype the message when I hang up the call. I had a bunch of messages that looked like this:

To: Jen
Message: what time di

To: Janis
Message: do u

To: Ken
Message: call m

I went through reading and deleting each message until I got to one that looked like this:

To: (no recipients)
Message: The kids are all right

I have absolutely no clue where this message came from. I know for sure that I didn’t write it for a few different reasons:

1. There was no recipient.

2. I got this particular phone after my kids died so I don’t know who I would’ve been texting about

3. If I had written a message such as this I would have used the word “alright” instead of the words “all right” which leads me to believe it may have been written by a certain little girl who loved to text (see picture below), but wouldn’t understand the grammatical difference.

I don’t know how it’s possible, I only know that after reading it I felt an overwhelming sense of peace knowing my kids are still around and able to communicate with me. I know it sounds crazy, and after reading this you may think I need medication, but I don’t know how else to explain it. Maybe where they are, they were able to find a cell phone provider with inter-dimensional service. Whatever the explanation, I’m just thankful. Thank you, Kate and Peter.

a quick update...

2010-01-16T12:38:00.003-05:00

I'm currently out of the country...more specifically, on a cruise ship in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean (I can't believe I have wifi!). Unfortunately for me and everyone else on the ship they had a significant outbreak of norovirus during the last sailing. So I'm not feeling so well, but I will try to update my blog when I can.

More importantly, I urge you all to check out That's Church, if you haven't already. Virginia Montanez, the writer of the blog, has been following and trying to help one of the many difficult situations in Haiti:

Two amazing women from Pittsburgh run an orphanage in Haiti that was destroyed by the earthquake. They, along with many back in the U. S., are doing what they can to get the children from the orphanage out of danger and back to the U.S. or somewhere safe. If there is anything you can do to help, please do. The situation is extremely serious.

GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

2010-01-10T20:45:00.000-05:00

In my recent attempts to slow down a little and find balance in my life I have definitely become aware of many strong emotions and, let me just say, I'm not enjoying it. It's been hard to write for the past few days because I have so much going on in my brain and my heart and my soul that it's hard to sort it out into anything explainable or understandable.

I have noticed two prominent emotions, however, so I'll try to describe those. Maybe that way I can begin to understand them. It is weird how sometimes when I write things down they make more sense than they do when they're floating around in my head. Anyway...

The first emotion is defeat, if you can call that an emotion. The more I understand the reality of my kids' deaths, the more I feel completely defeated and helpless. It's nearly impossible for me to comprehend or accept that my kids have died and that there's nothing I can do about it.

This feeling of helplessness has been very apparent in my dreams over the past few nights. Twice I dreamt that my kids were alive, but living in other cities with other people. In both dreams I visited my kids (which was wonderful, don't get me wrong) but found out that there was nothing I could do to get them back. It didn't matter what I tried, I was helpless, frustrated and defeated. Which leads me to the next emotion I've noticed...

I'm pretty effin' angry. I'm not talkin ticked-off or annoyed or miffed. I'm talkin heavy breathing, fist-clenching, vein-popping out of my forehead, I want to smash a car with a sledgehammer angry!

I'm angry that they're gone and I can't hug them or take them to school or play games with them or tell them to clean up their rooms and stop fighting. I'm angry that Kate didn't get to grow up to be an artist or a gymnast or a doctor or a singer. I'm angry that Peter didn't even make it to his fifth birthday party or get to go to kindergarten or grow up to change the world, which I always thought he would.

I'm angry that I don't get to be a parent anymore. I'm angry that my identity as a mom has been stripped from me. I'm angry that they were just taken away one day and that I didn't have a choice and that there's nothing I can do about it. I'm angry that I didn't get to say goodbye! And I'm angry that I don't even have anyone to be angry with!!!

I know I need to do something with this anger because it's become so overwhelming it's immobilizing. And to think that a week ago I didn't even realize I was angry.

I remember hearing once that depression is anger turned inward. From what I've experienced recently I completely agree. For the past few days I've felt so angry that all I want to do is sleep, which I realize is a symptom of depression. Unfortunately, I can't even do that very well.

The other night, before I realized the extent of my anger, I was laying in bed, unable to sleep. After an hour or so of staring at the ceiling I realized my jaw was clenched and every muscle in my body was tensed. I swear I felt my kids whisper to me, "You have to deal with your anger, Mama. It's blocking you." I'm not sure what exactly it's blocking, but I'm pretty sure they're right.

So I do need to find a way to express all this rage. My therapist suggested punching pillows or hitting them with a tennis racquet. That would probably help, but I feel pretty stupid doing it. Not that it really matters.

The honest-to-God truth is that I'm afraid to let it out. I know from past experiences that when I start yelling or punching pillows the anger that comes out brings with it ALL of the sadness. I'm afraid that the amount of sadness within me is more than I can handle. Seriously. I don't know if can do it. Everyone tells me I'm strong, but I don't know if I'm that strong.

But what choice do I have really? I can hold it all in and feel miserable and not want to do anything or I can try to let it out. I guess I just need to face it. Maybe not this minute, but sometime soon. I'll let you know how it goes.

trying to find balance...

2010-01-05T10:57:00.007-05:00

So after spending most of yesterday in my pajamas, procrastinating and feeling sorry for myself I'm trying to be a bit more productive today. It's only 10:45 and I'm already awake...that's something!

But seriously, one of the things I hope to do in this new year (besides finding ten things to be thankful for each day) is to spend more time doing less. From April 7th through December 31st of 2009 I stayed so busy that I didn't have a lot of time to think or feel. I did this on purpose, of course, because for me it's easier than the alternative. But my body and soul are tired. I need to slow down.

That brings me to my quest for balance. I need to be careful because if I slow down too much inertia will take over and every day will be like yesterday. I need to pace myself so I can get a few things done and stay busy enough to distract myself from my pain to some degree, but I also need to give myself time to grieve so I can start to heal. I don't think it's gonna be easy.

A huge benefit of slowing down will be that I'll have time to read, meditate and hopefully notice more of the things going on around me. I honestly believe there is so much going on in our universe that we typically don't notice because we're busy, distracted or just not tuned in. For example...why is it that so-called "mediums" can regularly communicate with people who have died but the average person can't? Is it because they have super-powers? Or have they just found a way to tune in to something most of us have not.

And kids - they can see, hear and feel so much that we adults can't! I don't think it's because they're making it up; I think it's because their minds are open and uncluttered and they haven't learned NOT to pay attention to those kinds of things. Here's one story that comes to mind:

A classmate of Peter's saw Kate at Peter's school on April 8th (2 days after Kate and Peter died). This little girl had not yet been told that Kate and Peter were in a car accident and though she knew Peter wasn't there that day, she did say that Kate was there, sitting next to one of her best friends. There was a special Easter program that day and Kate was part of the audience. She was very specific and I believe her. Why would she make something like that up?

The obvious reason I'd like to slow down and tune in is because I want to be able to communicate more regularly and openly with my kids. They've done a pretty good job of getting through to me in my busy and highly distracted state, but who knows what it might be like if I can settle down, open my heart and my mind and focus.

So back to balance. I've always tried to find it and most of the time it's eluded me. But I guess, in reality, the journey is probably more important than the destination. Just for today I'm going to do my best...to try to be productive yet take some time to slow down. And I'll also try not to be so hard on myself...thank you for all of your encouraging comments.

a new year, a new start, blah blah blah...

2010-01-04T14:04:00.004-05:00

Ok, the title of this post doesn't sound too promising. It's just that I'm completely overwhelmed with things I need to do, want to do and should be doing - and when I get overwhelmed I end up doing nothing. It's now after 2:00pm and I'm still in my pjs drinking coffee and figuring out what I should tackle first.

Then I think about the fact that my kids won't be a part of 2010, at least not in the usual way, and I want to go back to bed. Ugh.

Still, every time I wake up in the morning, even after all these months I have to remind myself that my kids are dead. And not just once. If I wake up at 5:00am to pee this is what goes through my mind in my half-awake stupor:

me: "wait, what? my kids are dead?!"
me again: "yeah...remember?....car accident, April 6th"
me (you get the point): "wait, they're kids...they're not supposed to die!"
"I know, but they did"
"but they used to be here, right?"
"yeah, but they're not anymore"
"but they're my kids! you mean they're not coming back?!"
"no"
"wait, there's nothing I can do to change that?!"
" nope"
"fuck....I can't deal with that. I'm going back to bed"

Then I go back to sleep and repeat that mental conversation every time I wake up. Every time I hit snooze on my alarm. Every time my cat sits next to my head and meows because she's hungry. It's exhausting. But it is what it is. And I don't know that there's anything I can do about it.

So now I'm at least out of bed, sitting up and typing. I had high hopes for today. I was going to start getting organized, go to the gym, go grocery shopping, return things that need to be returned, catch up on the 300 emails I need to respond to etc, etc. Yeah, probably not gonna happen. Maybe I'll take a shower. That's a start.

Holy decade, Batman!

2009-12-30T01:00:00.006-05:00

As the "aughts" or the "zeroes" or whatever you want to call them come to a close, it seems to me that everyone's looking back over the past ten years with a lot of negativity. I actually saw an ABC Nightly News segment last week titled, "making a resolution to forget the past ten years". Wow. That's sad.

It has been a difficult decade, no doubt. 9/11, the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the Tsunami in 2004, Hurricane Katrina, the crash of the economy, etc... But we can't really forget. And even if we could, how would that benefit anyone? Hasn't anything good come out of the past decade?

In looking back over the past ten years of my life there are a lot of things I wish I could forget, or change...but I can't do that either. It has been quite a roller coaster to say the least, and to really get into the details I will have to write a book. I think I'm going to call it, "OMG! WTF?!" Well, maybe not...but that title is fitting.

Here are some of the major events:

2000: I got married and began a whole new life, sort of. Well, I got married.

2001: A month after 9/11, which changed everyone's world forever, I found out I was pregnant with Kate.

2002: Kate was born and changed my world forever - in the most wonderfully amazing way.

2003: I quit my job to become a stay-at-home mom (an extremely difficult transition, but one I'm glad I made) and found out a few days later I was pregnant with Peter.

2004: Peter was born, adding more love and wonderment to my life. 2 months later my family moved from Buffalo to Pittsburgh (another enormously challenging transition...especially because we knew NO ONE here).

2005: I figured out my husband, Steve, was gay. (this is where the OMG!, WTF?! part begins) He was not ready to admit it. I had a ten-month-old and a two-year-old and no job. I realized a divorce was on the horizon and I freaked out!

2006: Steve admitted he was gay so we separated. This, in and of itself, wasn't so bad. We managed to support each other and remain friends.
Re-entering the dating scene at that point in my life, however, was crazy. OMG!

2007: Steve moved back to Buffalo and I learned what it's really like to be a single parent. Fortunately, I had the best kids ever so they made it as easy for me as possible.

2008: This year was the only one of the decade that was relatively stable and somewhat uneventful. My kids and I really started to figure out how to be a family of three, spent lots of time with good friends and truly enjoyed our lives together.

2009: My kids died. Again, OMG!!! WTF?!!!! Things were just getting good. We made it through the divorce, Steve and I were able to stay friends, my kids and I were doing well and that happened?! Seriously?!!!

So, yes, in some ways it might seem like the decade to forget. But I can't. And neither can anyone else...at least not without some major drugs or a lobotomy. And if we could forget the bad, then we would lose all the good too! Even with all the shit that's gone down over the past ten years we're still here (at least those of us reading this are) so we might as well make the best of it.

When I figure out exactly how to make things better, I'll let you know. I'm committed to it. Seriously. For now, let me suggest that we all take a look at the past ten years and focus on the good, not the bad. And if we must think about the bad, let's figure out what lessons we can learn and how we've become stronger because of everything.

My New Year's resolution is to, EVERY DAY, come up with 10 things I'm thankful for. I know it's still 2009, but I'm going to start now. This may not be easy, but I'm giving it my best shot.

Here are 10 things I'm thankful for from the past decade:

1. My marriage to Steve. This may sound crazy because it turns out he's gay and now we're divorced, but I know I wouldn't be who I am today without him, and I certainly would've never known my kids.

2. Kate (there's so much about her to be thankful for, I can't possible write it all here...I'll put it in the book)

3. Peter (ditto)

4. My amazing friends and family.

5. Growing and changing spiritually. Being able to have faith that the universe is unfolding as it should, even when it doesn't seem that way.

6. Moving to Pittsburgh, which I am convinced is the best place in the world to live!

7. The hundreds of people who have supported me and helped me...especially over the past 9 months.

8. My health and the fact that I've actually gotten healthier in the past 10 years.

9. My therapist. I don't know that I'd still be here without her.

10. Hope, for more things to be thankful for in the coming years. And hope that someday I will be with my kids again!

memories of Christmases past...

2009-12-24T17:52:00.005-05:00

Well, it's Christmas Eve and so far I'm ok, I guess. I'm deep in denial, distraction and addictive facebook games. And, Kate and Peter were in a dream I had last night. I'm not exactly sure what we were doing, but when I woke up it felt like I had gotten to spend time with both of them.

Honestly, though, today seems surreal. I'm back to that "maybe my kids were never really here" or "they can't really be gone, they must be somewhere else" kinda thinking. I guess my brain's gotta do whatever it's gotta do to get through the moment. I'm just going with it.

Over the past few weeks I've spent a lot of time looking at pictures of past Christmases. My kids loved Christmas, as most kids do, and I'm glad I have so many photos of their smiling faces. Here are some of my favorites...

2002 - Kate's first Christmas. She was six months old. She sat up on her own and crawled for the first time on Christmas Day.

2003 - Kate was 18 months old. Peter was happily growing in my belly :)

2004 - Peter's first Christmas

Kate was very proud of her first gingerbread house.

2005 - Christmas in Danville (my hometown).

Kate loved the chocolate fountain!

2006 - Christmas in Buffalo with Babci and Dziadziu (grandma and grandpa in Polish)

Once again, Peter passes out in the middle of playing.

Back at the Monroeville mall...

2007 - A quiet Christmas at home in Pittsburgh.

2008

Kate's drawing of Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa...

Thank you, everyone, for all of your thoughts, prayers, comments, emails, cards, phone calls, etc. Again, it's difficult to explain how much everyone's support helps. I cannot find the words to express the extent of my gratitude.

Merry Christmas. God bless us, everyone.

the most wonderful time of the year?

2009-12-17T22:15:00.006-05:00

I'm not so sure about that. And I'm not just saying that because my kids died and it's my first Christmas without them.

I feel somewhat removed from the whole Christmas extravaganza this year - partly by choice and partly just because. I'm not totally ignoring the holidays, but I have been able to step back a bit this year which has been interesting.

Obviously, as I've said in past posts, this time of year is extra hard because it makes me miss my kids even more...if that's possible. There will be no Christmas plays this year (last year Peter was one of the three kings and the year before that Kate was Mary), no decorating cookies with them and no getting to be Santa. It's hard to even put my feelings into words because I don't really want to feel those feelings; so I'm not going to try right now.

The interesting part of stepping back this holiday season is that I'm, more or less, watching others experience it. And it seems to me that we're all a little crazy.

I've always thought buying outrageous numbers of gifts for everyone I know was a bit absurd, but most of the time I did it anyway. When I was pregnant with Kate, Steve (Kate and Peter's dad) and I instituted a rule that our kids should only get three presents each Christmas because that's how many gifts Jesus got. (a friend of ours was doing that and it seemed like a good idea) We immediately started finding ways around that rule because three didn't seem like enough: stockings don't count, Santa will bring three gifts but mommy and daddy can each buy one, grandparents aren't included, etc. Every year our kids received more gifts than they could handle...so many that I started putting some of them away after Christmas and gave them back to them gradually, throughout the year. I noticed last week that there are still a couple hidden from last year.

I know, without a doubt, that my kids would've been happy with much less. In fact, I think the volume of gifts they received actually took away from their fun on Christmas day. I remember when Peter was two, one of the first gifts he opened was the Go Diego Go Talking Rescue Center which he had asked for by it's full name for weeks. He was so happy and would've been content to play with nothing else for the rest of the day, but after playing with it for a few minutes he reluctantly put it down because he had to open more gifts.

Why do we do this? And why do we feel like we need to buy stuff for everyone we know just because it's the holidays? Don't we all have enough stuff already?

I'm not trying to be a grinch. I've always loved Christmas and giving and making people happy. I just think maybe we're missing the mark a little. Are bazillions of gifts making anyone happy? And how stressed-out and in-debt is everyone becoming because of all this giving?

Stress levels are palpable everywhere I go. I seriously thought there was going to be a knock-down, drag-out fight over a parking space at Whole Foods today. Otherwise rational people are going crazy! And all in the name of holiday cheer?

I encourage everyone to give yourself a gift this year and relax a little. I know that may not be possible - there are parties to go to, presents to wrap and cookies to bake - but if you can, take a moment to breathe. Get your kids or your spouse or your parents a gift that will bring them joy, but don't feel like you need to get them everything they've ever wanted.

I think the best gift you can give anyone is yourself...your time, your love, and your undivided attention. I'm sure you've all heard that before, but seriously, take it to heart. I wish I had spent less time running around like a crazy person to make Christmas "perfect" (which never happened) and more time just being with my kids. I didn't even spend last Christmas with them. It was their turn to spend it with Steve and even though I was welcome at his house I didn't spend it with them because I wanted my space from him. Now I could kick myself, though that wouldn't do any good.

Two Decembers ago I took my kids to see "Go Diego Go Live" at Heinz Hall. It was their Christmas present from me. We got dressed up, went out for a "fancy" dinner at Six Penn Kitchen, then went to see the show. They were beyond excited to go and had a wonderful time, as did I. Even my boyfriend, Ken, who wasn't sure how much fun he could have watching a cartoon character onstage, enjoyed himself and our evening together. I'm so glad I have that memory and that, at least for that night, I took some time out of my crazy life to slow down and really be present with my kids.

The best gift ever!

2009-12-13T23:14:00.007-05:00

I went back home to visit my parents this past week and while I was there my mom mentioned that she had some pictures of my kids saved on her hard drive. I decided to copy them to my computer and take a look...

She had TONS of pictures I had never seen before!!! It was like winning the lottery!! No, it was far better than that!!! Quite honestly, it was the greatest gift anyone could have given me. Thanks, Mom!!!

So, of course, I have to share a few:

Christmas, now and forever...

2009-12-12T16:21:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I was thinking about getting through this Christmas without my kids...and how I've over planned and over scheduled so that I know for sure I won't have too much time to think...and I know I'll constantly be surrounded by friends. It occurred to me that maybe I will be able to make it through this year after all, when this thought popped into my head:

It's not just this Christmas...I have to get through every Christmas, every year, til the end of my time here on Earth without them.

That fucking sucks Santa's ass...and Rudolph's too!!! FUCK!!!

It may seem obvious to everyone else, but I was so focused on getting through this year that I temporarily forgot about the rest of time. I know all the stuff about "one day at a time" and "being in the moment" but really?!

I think one of the hardest things about this death/grief stuff is the permanence of all of it. Like, really, they're not coming back. I know they're here in spirit, but I prefer them with their bodies too.

I know I don't need to think about forever right now, but sometimes I do.

So there. I said it, it's out there and hopefully getting it out will make it feel a little more bearable. Thank you all for listening.

mobile uploads, the third...

2009-12-08T10:25:00.002-05:00

Here are a few more of the pictures stored on my old phone...the phone that was only supposed to be able to hold 35 pics, but never ran out of memory. For that I am thankful.

Peter and Kate at Starbucks. They're drinking hot chocolate, though they would have preferred coffee. Kate used to drink coffee out of my cup when I wasn't looking and Peter was all over the free coffee samples. Btw, Starbucks was one of Peter's first words.

I love her smile...

Peter at the Mr. Rogers play area at the Monroeville Mall...

Apparently Kate was a hippie in a previous life... (I love the heels. She wore nothing but heels at home)

Peter, age 2, taking care of a baby....

December, 2006...

while I was cleaning this morning...

2009-12-06T13:22:00.004-05:00

Yes...believe it or not, I was cleaning!

I found this note from Kate in a pile of papers. No lie.

You're more than welcome, Kate! I love you too!! Thank you for taking care of me.

brownies, biscotti and ben harper...

2009-12-04T14:58:00.005-05:00

Immediately after publishing my last post I went back to baking. Often while I'm in my kitchen I listen to Pandora Internet Radio. For those of you who have never heard of Pandora, I highly recommend it. Just go to www.pandora.com and follow the directions.

You basically create whatever type of radio station you want and the website tailors it to the type of music you like. Type in your favorite artists or songs and it will play that music and other similar types of music. It's free and it's a great way to learn about new artists and hear new songs. You can create as many different "stations" as you want.

I'm really not trying to advertise Pandora, however the technology behind Pandora has helped me in a very meaningful way. After my kids died I created stations for each of them. I typed in all of their favorite songs so I could always listen to and remember what kinds of music they liked. They had very different tastes and were very passionate about music.

Kate loved Miley Cyrus, the Spice Girls, Justin Timberlake, Nina Simone and anything from High School Musical. Peter was into Eminem (I think it was because he associated him with M&Ms), the Soundtrack from Cars, the Soundtrack from Pirates of the Caribbean and the Chipmunks. He also liked High School musical - I think he wanted to be just like Troy.

The coolest thing about Pandora, in my opinion, is that the stations you create seem to evolve over time. As new music is released, it's added to your stations. By creating Kate and Peter's Radio I thought I might be able to keep up on what they think is cool as time goes by. Thanks, Pandora!

Just now, while baking I was listening to Kate's Radio when "Waiting on an Angel" by Ben Harper came on. I've never heard this song before, but it's a good one. Needless to say...there are tears in the biscotti.

Yeah, this month is gonna be difficult...

2009-12-04T12:22:00.012-05:00

When I first thought about Christmas a few months ago I thought I'd try to ignore it, pretend it wasn't happening and maybe hide somewhere until it was over. Then a couple of weeks ago I decided I'd try to embrace it - the same way I try to embrace Valentine's Day when I don't have a man in my life (that never really worked anyway). Now that I've experienced a few days of the commercial Christmas explosion I'd like to go back to my original plan.

Realistically I think I'll need to find a path somewhere in the middle. I think my kids would be disappointed if I hid from the holidays altogether. It's just really hard...as I'm sure anyone who's lost someone or who's missing someone or who's going through a difficult time at this time of year understands.

I just miss them!! For the past few days I've felt completely hollow, like someone sucked out the center of my being and left this empty, aching space. Like part of me is missing...which I guess it is. I would give anything to hug them, or hear them laugh, or hear them call me 'Mama'.

For the rest of this holiday season I'm going to do my absolute best to try to remember and share all of the wonderful holiday moments I've had with Kate and Peter over the years. I am thankful I have all of those memories. I have been truly blessed.

When I need to cry I'll cry (so a warning to everyone who will be around me this month - it could happen at any moment and it may not be pretty). When I feel like I can't breathe I'll make myself take another breath. When I really can't deal anymore I'll bake - for some strange reason that helps?! (I've already made brownies this morning and I'm moving on to biscotti and pumpkin cookies next) I guess you can tell how sad I'm feeling by how many baked goods come out of my kitchen.

I'd also love to find a place I could volunteer and help people who need help. I don't like sitting around feeling sorry for myself, but it's been kinda hard not to lately. Honestly, if anyone knows of any places where they need volunteers, please let me know. It would help me and maybe I could help someone else too.

For today...I'm gonna get back to baking. And sharing. Here are a few pictures from December 2005:

A message from Kate?

2009-12-01T16:03:00.013-05:00

As I traveled through Italy last month and spent a few days in Florence, I had a couple of interesting experiences in which I felt like my kids might be communicating with me. Here's my description of one of them:

On my first night there my friend, Ken, and I were walking back to our hotel after dinner when we heard this musician performing on the street. He was playing and singing the song "Hallelujah". I'm not sure who originally recorded it, but I'm familiar with the Rufus Wainwright and Kate Voegele versions. My daughter, Kate, and I both loved this song and used to sing along in the car quite often.

So I stopped to listen...I explained to Ken that this was one of the songs Kate loved. Then I started crying. Music is one of those things that always gets me! It doesn't matter how strong I feel or how distracted - one meaningful song and I'm done.

Here's a little snippet of the song. (Sorry the audio/video quality isn't great.)

I was crying pretty hard by the end of the song. It's fabulous to sob in public, let me tell you. At least I was in another country where I don't know anyone.

So when the musician dude was finished singing "Hallelujah" he went right into "Everybody Hurts" by REM. I mean, seriously. What are the chances? "Everybody Hurts" is one of the greatest songs off all time, in my opinion, and could not have been any more descriptive of how I was feeling. And the message of "Everybody Hurts" was so fitting! If you don't know the song and don't feel like following the above link to the video, here are the lyrics:

Everybody Hurts

(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

After that song the musician started singing in Italian. After all, we were in Italy. Ken looked at me and said, "I think Kate's trying to tell you something." I think he was right.

Non-coincidence #157...

2009-11-28T14:30:00.003-05:00

So Thanksgiving was ok. Like I thought, it wasn't worse than any other day. (though Christmas may be another story) I was distracted, surrounded by wonderful people and fairly busy. It wasn't until I went to bed that night that the sadness hit me.

It's so weird...I'll be totally fine and all of a sudden I realize how much I miss them and that they're really not coming back and the pain is instantaneously overwhelming. So I started talking to them and telling them that I needed to hear from them.

I truly believe, as I've said many times, that they are in a better place. They're better off...we're the ones who have it rough. I believe this in my mind and my heart and my soul. Sometimes, however, it's hard to feel it. Especially when I feel sad.

The day after Thanksgiving (which would be yesterday) I told them I needed to know that they really are in a better place. I'm still their mother and I can't sleep at night if I'm worried about them. They still have to check in from time to time. I SO wish I could find a cell phone provider with interdimensional service.

Literally, within a few hours of my request an anonymous person posted this comment on my blog:

This is what I believe...

When you die, you don't die at all you just move on to another place...call it heaven or whatever you'd like. It's calm, you're at peace, you're greeted by generations of family you've never known...but they've seen you grow up from that other place. You aren't scared, you're at peace. You're still here, in dreams, in thoughts, in memories, people never die...they just move on. It's always easier to leave than to be left behind...
As a child I've seen family members I've never even met in my dreams. My grandfather recently passed away, and I've seen him in my dreams as well...and he let me know that he is happy, healthy, and with family. Death is sad for those of us that are left behind, but those who move on are at peace. I know it to be true.

Pay attention to your dreams and your surroundings, they will let you know they're with you always! You just have to keep your head clear and an open mind... They want you to be happy, they're okay...

To whomever posted that: thank you! And I hope you don't mind that I reposted it. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I believe that my kids somehow prompted you to write that and I thank you for being open enough to give me the message. Kate and Peter, thank you for getting back to me.

Giving thanks...

2009-11-22T22:26:00.012-05:00

Thanksgiving this year will be....well, interesting. I'm not sure, but I don't think it will be more horrible or unbearable than any other day because every day is difficult. I'll let you know.

I love Thanksgiving. I think it's my favorite holiday. Mostly because I love to cook and I really love to eat and it's great to have a whole day to do that with the people you love. I'm also a big fan of giving thanks. I've always felt it's important to "count my blessings" and not take things for granted, even before this year happened.

I guess, in some way, giving thanks this year means even more than it ever has before. I realize I've suffered a devastating loss, one I would give anything to undo and one I can't even completely comprehend, but even so...I still have so much good in my life. I have a wonderful family who would do anything for me, I have the most amazing friends in the world and I have a huge virtual community supporting me and helping me get by. I have a roof over my head, a job and a car. I’ve had the opportunity to spend some time traveling and now I have the chance to go back to school and pursue a career doing something I love. I am healthy. Despite my loss, I have many blessings.

As someone commented on one of my past posts - no matter how bad you think you have it, someone always has it worse. Though I am no longer physically with my children, I'm mostly sure they crossed over very quickly and didn't spend any time suffering. I believe in my heart and my soul that they are in a better place, surrounded by love and peace. They're not hurting, those of us who grieve for them are.

My heart goes out to parents who have to watch their children suffer through long-term illnesses. I also think about people who live in extreme poverty or war zones, soldiers who have to fight in wars and parents who's children disappear or are abducted. In no way is this a "who has it worse" contest, but I don't think I'd be strong enough to handle any of that. So, in my opinion, there are many people out there who have been dealt a far worse hand than me.

But back to the giving thanks part...

Most importantly, I am thankful for being Kate and Peter's mom. They came into my life, turned it upside-down, challenged me, changed me and made me a better person. They showed me what true unconditional love is.

They are they reason I have such wonderful friends. Through their lives and even in death they have connected me to so many people and brought so many other people together. The amount of love, light and joy they brought to this world in a combined 10 short years is certainly more I have in 35 years (though I’m only 28).

They taught me what is truly important in life. And I know, for sure, that they are still teaching me, changing me and helping me grow. I’m thankful for every moment I got to spend with them and every moment I will have with them in the future!

Thank you, Kate and Peter! I love you!!! Happy Thanksgiving.

Wherever I go, there they are...

2009-11-22T22:20:00.003-05:00

Since my kids died I have have quite a few experiences with them, if that makes any sense. Sometimes I feel one or both of them with me, sometimes I "hear" them and sometimes weird things happen that I can't explain any way other than - my kids are trying to tell me something. I've learned that some people call these experiences after-death communications (ADCs).

The first time I truly felt them was when I first saw their bodies after they died. I was so afraid to see them...I was scared shitless!!! I had no idea how to handle seeing my kids lying in a casket. They died on a Monday and I didn't see them for the first time until the following Saturday (it took awhile - it was Easter week and people were busy).

I walked alone into the room where they were laid out. (btw, I hate the term "laid out", but I don't know a better one) I didn't want anyone with me and I felt I should be the first person to see them. I didn't know if I was going to pass out, scream or throw up. Like I said - scared shitless. I walked up to them, started crying immediately and knelt down beside them. It took about 30 seconds before I was absolutely certain that they were not in their bodies (it didn't even really look like them) and they were standing on either side of me. I felt them SO STRONGLY, it's hard to even explain. I stopped crying and didn't cry again for the rest of the wake. A friend of mine who was there later emailed me to tell me that she had been a little freaked out - when she came over to talk to me she could feel them next to me too.

The next time I had an experience like that was Mother's Day. I woke up, alone in my house, and started getting ready to go walk the Race for the Cure. While I was getting dressed I "heard" them say, "just wait, Mama, we have a big surprise for you today". It was not an audible "hearing", but an intuitive one. Regardless, I thought I was starting to lose it. What surprise could they possibly have for me?!

I did the race then had brunch with a good friend. When I got back home I opened my front door, which had been locked, and my living room was FILLED with gifts. I had no idea who had been there or where the gifts came from, but again I "heard" my kids. The sounded very excited and said, "SEE? We pulled it off! Yay!" I was overwhelmed and started crying happy tears. Not only was it so kind of someone to do something like this for me on Mother's Day, but I knew I could really hear my kids! I wasn't losing my mind. It turns out that a bunch of my friends, as well as many people I don't know, had collected little gifts over the previous month to surprise me. It was extremely thoughtful and I was more than grateful...and I knew for sure my kids were behind it.

Since then I've had a bunch of other experiences like that, especially while I was traveling in Italy last month. I want to write about all of them - not only to share them, but because I don't want to forget them. It's so encouraging to have these experiences because it means my kids aren't really "dead", they're just living in another dimension (or whatever you want to call it) with all our other loved ones who've crossed over.

So I promise I will write about the other occurrences soon, but I'm afraid this story is turning into more of a book than a blog post. There's just too much to write all at once - which is a great thing! I hope and pray my kids will continue to be with me wherever I go.

Coincidence? Notsomuch...

2009-11-19T10:50:00.008-05:00

I've said this before and I'll say it again - I do not believe in coincidence. Though I don't think everything is predetermined, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Often timing can be seemingly attributed to nothing less than divine intervention, at least in my experience. That being said...

For the past week or so I've been feeling exceptionally glum. I'm sure that doesn't come as a surprise to anyone, but what I've felt has been different from the usual sadness/anger/outrage/disbelief I've grown accustomed to. This 'glum' feeling is almost a numb feeling. It's like I lack the energy to feel much of anything anymore. It feels like I've used up every last ounce of coping energy over the past 7 months and I've got nothin left. I'm so done. (for those of you who worry - that doesn't mean I want to off myself, I'd just like to stay in bed for the next 6 or 7 years)

So Tuesday night before going to bed I checked my email and noticed that eight or nine people had commented on my blog during a span of a couple hours. I thought that was interesting because I didn't know any of those people and surmised that somewhere, someone must have told a bunch of people about my blog. I didn't know how they heard of me, but I was grateful for their kind words and offers of support. I read what they had to say and went to bed feeling a little better.

Wednesday, as I went through my day I noticed that I was getting new comments every 5 minutes! I was also getting facebook messages from people all over the world. I realized that more than 500 people had viewed my blog in one day so I knew something was up. I googled my blog and saw that Ginny Montanez had written about me and my blog on her blog, "That's Church". She encouraged people to leave a comment to support me. It was all beginning to make sense.

I need to take a few moments to sincerely thank Ginny and everyone who has taken the time to read my blog, look at pictures of my kids and write a few kind words. You have absolutely no idea how much each comment, even the smallest ones, means to me and how much you have all helped me get out of my latest funk. When I truly did not have the strength or energy to cope another day, all of you "internet strangers" and "virtual friends" have carried me. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you!

When I went to see the medium I mentioned in a previous post, she told me she could see a very large blue aura around me. She said that aura was the prayer energy of countless people praying for me. She told me I had no idea how many people were praying and that it would be difficult to understand just how much their prayers were helping. Now I do understand. And I just can't thank everyone enough.

And now for an ironic side note: I saw a news story about Ginny and her blog back in August. I checked "That's Church" out and, in addition to being extremely impressed by what an excellent writer Ginny is, her blog inspired me to start my own blog. I started Callapitter about a week after I saw that news story. I never cease to be amazed by the way people in my world are interconnected or by the fact that there is no such thing as coincidence.

It's a lovely fall day in Pittsburgh...

2009-11-14T15:29:00.003-05:00

and I'm just about done with this "my kids are dead" bullshit. I'd like them back now, please. Thank you.

I understand there's absolutely no purpose in making such a request, but that's how I feel today. I wish I could talk to whomever is in charge and say, "There's been a mistake. I realize this is what happened, but it wasn't such a good idea. Let's fix it."

Of course I can't do that. So I will just be sad and ponder the purpose of my life and of Kate and Peter's. I don't mean to sound so negative, I've actually had a lot of experiences lately that were clearly interactions with both of them (I'm working on a post about that). But today I'd like to hang out with them, maybe go to the park then take them out for dinner and a movie. I just want a regular Saturday with my kids. Something I completely took for granted.

These are the dark and scary thoughts...

2009-11-06T05:22:00.006-05:00

that I typically keep to myself:

Disclaimer: You may not want to read this. These are some of the horrible and unbearable thoughts that keep me up at night. I normally don't discuss them with anyone and I don't want to disturb anyone. However, I created this blog to have a place to express my thoughts so they are not bouncing around in my head anymore. This is the reality of my experience. What may be therapeutic for me may not be helpful to others...

Lately I've been thinking about the accident a lot. Sometimes I feel paralyzed and unable to breathe when I imagine what my kids experienced. I don't know why I allow my mind to go there, but it does.

Since the accident happened I've known that the car was off the road for a considerable amount of time before it crashed (like 5-7 seconds). That may not seem like a long time, but imagine going approximately 70 mph for that amount of time on an uneven embankment, not on the road. Hell, just imagine being on rumble strips for that period of time...it would feel like a long time to me.

So while the car was off the road Steve, Kate and Peter's dad, was apparently unconscious for one reason or another. I can only begin to imagine the terror they were experiencing. The were completely helpless, probably screaming and trying to get Steve's attention.

Even though I wasn't there, I have an image of those final moments stuck in my head. I blame myself for not being there to protect them. I realize this blame is irrational and unwarranted, however I am their mother. As far as I'm concerned, my job on this earth is to love them, take care of them and protect them from harm. And if I'm unable to protect them, I at least want to be with them when they experience bad things. And I wasn't...not by any fault of my own, but still. I imagine other parents who've lost children probably feel the same way, though I don't know for sure.

Yesterday, while I was in Florence, Italy I climbed the stairs to the top of the Duomo. It's a very beautiful and very big church with a giant dome. I was able to walk on the terraces outside the church and at the very top. I would be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind to jump off. (in a previous post I stated that I knew for sure I would never kill myself and that is still true, though the thought does pop into my mind from time to time...I think that's probably normal and I don't want to alarm anyone. really, don't worry, mom!) I thought, 'I could do it if I really wanted to...all I would need to do is lean over and let go and then I would know what it's like to die, to go through what my kids went through'.

There is no way I would ever do it for two reasons: 1. I would be afraid of what my consequence would be after death and that I might not be reunited with my kids and 2. it's just too damn scary!!!!!!!

Yet, my kids...my little, wonderful, innocent, beautiful children died. They experienced death. And I wasn't there to comfort them, protect them, be with them, etc...etc.

Since the accident I have hoped and prayed from the depths of my being that they didn't experience pain or fear, though it's hard to imagine they didn't. I did visit a medium in June who told me they crossed over so suddenly that they actually left their bodies before impact. That information gives me hope. As does some of the other information the medium gave me. I will certainly share more about that later.

For now, I just needed to share these dark thoughts so they hopefully will not bother me anymore and I will no longer have to experience them alone.

Feed the birds...

2009-11-02T12:44:00.004-05:00

I've spent the last couple of days in Venice which, as everyone knows, is a beautiful city. Yesterday I spent time at the Piazza di San Marco or St. Mark's Square. There were so many amazing things to look at but I was taken with the pigeons. There were hundreds of people (including many kids) feeding and playing with the birds. All I could think of was the song "Feed the Birds" from Mary Poppins. That song was one of Kate's favorites and she knew all the words to all of the verses. I wish she could have been there with me yesterday.

Many people were actually allowing the pigeons to land on their arms, shoulders and heads which seemed a little crazy but I thought, 'hey, why not?!' So here are some pictures of me with the birds. It's obvious (and hilarious) how uncomfortable I was at first. I was afraid their claws would dig into me or they'd peck me with their beaks. Instead, they were the most graceful, gentle animals I have ever touched. As strange as this may sound, having those birds land on my arm was the highlight of my trip to Italy so far. It was truly amazing!

I'm not sure exactly what this experience has to do with anything, but I wanted to share it. I'm pretty sure my kids were proud of me for doing that. :-)

Homesick...really?

2009-10-30T14:59:00.006-04:00

I've spent the last two weeks traveling through Italy - visiting beautiful hilltop towns and crowded cities, meeting wonderful people and eating amazing food. It's been an awesome experience, but I'm a bit homesick. I guess this is the longest I've ever been away from home so it's kinda understandable, but really? I'm in Italy! I keep telling myself to suck it up and have a good time!

It's weird because as much as I'm looking forward to going home in a week, I'm also dreading it. I feel like this has been my greatest effort to escape reality and yet flying to another continent hasn't done it. When I go home Kate and Peter still won't be there, at least in their physical form. They'll still be dead. Ugh.

On the bright side, if there is one, I do feel a growing need to start living a 'normal' life again when I get home. I want and need some consistency and I need to feel grounded instead of just trying to pass the time and distract myself. After taking a few cooking classes in Italy, I think I am definitely going to go to culinary school. At least that's something to look forward to. Gotta just keep going....somehow.